The Humble Yogini

Blessed is the New Year - 2012

2012-01-03T17:49:00.000-08:00

Hindus have a beautiful belief that what you do on the first day of the year sets the tone for your spiritual practice for the year. Here is a snap shot of how 2012 manifested for me:
A friend and I headed over to the Hare Krishna Temple for 12 hours of Kirtan and Puja, it was insaine! before we even got to the temple we stopped off at one of the wonderful little hindu trinket shops and walked out with slippers, bindis and bangles! lol!!! feeling a little peckish from the Hare Rama chanting and dancing we dashed over to the Sikhs restaurant for a quick bowl of dal and naan. It was so delicious! I received a kind pat on the head from the large fatherly Sikh who said to me "Bless you my child" I knew right then and there is was on course with destiny for 2012. From there we went over to Sivananda Vedanta Center for Sunday satsang - more meditation, chanting, and socializing with sangha.

I woke up Monday morning feeling energized, made an appointment for a 2012 Vedic Reading. I'm please to announce that like a snake I have shed my skin and come into my own, uncertainty is a thing of the past.
Tomorrow night I have a meeting with Swamiji to assess my current practice. Yes, the planets have aligned and how nice it is to be.... just Be!

And She Was

2011-12-23T12:41:00.000-08:00

I'm 2 years in with my Buddhist Practice and I have hit a very hard invisible wall. This "wall" is what is known in Buddhism as an obstacle which equates to negative states of mind. Yep I'm a Buddhist struggling with a negative mind!

These minds can scatter in many different directions and have many aspects. From my own side I know that they will pass. I don't wallow in them or feel the need to react. In my meditation this morning I simply sat with the mantra mounted on the breath and gave myself the space to just let things settle. Sometimes I see my mind going into "fix it" mode. It feels the need to react as if there is something to react to.

I have been struggling with feeling of being spirituality empty. Buddhist teachings tell me to rely on the 3 jewels. I have found that the truth is I need to rely on is mySelf. This simple realization reminds me of a beautiful Vedanta teaching that I learn the other evening...."Dependence on God is dependence on mySelf. God is not outside, the lord is not away from myself. God dependence is Self dependence. Self dependence is independence. Independence is MOKHA"- liberation. I see this very clearly and powerfully that it is shifting my awareness back to Vedanta.

I have gone full circle and there she was. And she was.

The Blessing Empowerment of White Tara

2011-04-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

White Tara is a female Buddha known as the "compassionate mother of long life." She grants the blessings of long life, good fortune and wisdom. Drawing close to Buddha Tara we will discover that all the pure happiness there is in the world comes not from self concern, but from wishing others to be happy. Thinking like this we can solve our problems, experience a peaceful. happy mind all the time and become a source of inspiration for everyone we meet.

THE BLESSING EMPOWERMENT OF WHITE TARA

SATURDAY MAY 14th 2011

MAHAMUDRA KADAMPA BUDDHIST CENTER

519 N. IRENA AVE, REDONDO BEACH, CA.

($60 including refreshments & Vegetarian Lunch)

Please RSVP: http://www.meditateinthesouthbay.org

Schedule:

9:30 10:30 Registration & Refreshments

10:30 12:30 Empowerment of White Tara

12:30 2:30 Vegetarian Lunch& Refreshments

2:00 3:30 Commentary to White Tara Practice

3:30 4:00 Refreshment Break

4:00 5:00 Guided White Tara Meditations

Head and Heart

2011-03-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

(I came across this awakened tree in my travels to Petaluma last month. The day had a glow that was all its own. I could not get over how stunning the colors were)

(A field of Mustard between Napa and Petaluma in full bloom. )

I had a really awesome experience the other night dinning with my teacher and fellow student at a local Indian eatery. Indian eateries are an experience in themselves half grocery half restaurant. Dinning in means you sit in the middle of the store and eat off paper plates and use plastic utensils. It's very family oriented and as it was a Friday night it was busy with little children playing. This one little boy who looked about 2 or 3 was having a beautiful play time touching all the different candies that were brilliantly placed right at his chest level. He was having this wonderful joyous conversation with himself that seemed to fill him full of the excitement and life of a little boy. I felt his joy from the level of my heart and delighted in his play. I pointed him out to my teacher and said look at this little guy having such a wonderful time. I know my teachers heart was touched because he went over to the little boys parents to tell them how much he was enjoying watching the little boy play. How lovely, pure, and simple when we can delight from the level of our heart the play that is life. Wonderful.

Rely On a Happy Mind Alone

2011-03-29T23:24:00.000-07:00

(My humble work space.)

For the past year I and a dozen other Dharma practitioners have been studying a wonderful Buddhist book on dharma called 'Universal Compassion' written in the 12 century by Geshe Chekhawa. This past weekend we had our discussion group which essentially means the room bombards 2 lovingly hand picked students for an hour and a half questions on the section we have just finished covering. And yes it is intimidating as it sounds but yet it is kind and in the spirit of wanting to gain a deeper understanding of the teaching of training the mind.

There is a line in the book that simply states: "Always rely on a happy mind alone.... A controlled mind will remain calm and happy no matter what the conditions." This line caught my attention and held it. I found myself contemplating its meaning and realized at first glance it can seem some what innocuous. But as I held it in my mind I started to work with it and wondered what would happen to my mind if I experienced the loss of my husband or son or another close family member could I remain calm? Yeah, I think calm could be achieved and I can say that without feeling I am being deceptive. The happy part kind of throws me. So I proposed the question to the class already knowing my answer in my heart having found it in my contemplation and meditation the night before.

I asked what does the line "A controlled mind will remain calm and happy no matter what the conditions" mean? Does it mean that we walk around with rainbows and unicorns in our minds even if the sky is falling? What if my husband were to die? I'm pretty sure I would cry. One person in the class told me I was attached and I should practice non attachment. Another student told me that I should not concern myself with samsara... My first inclination was to reject both answers but instead of doing that I checked my mind to see if I was attached or hung up in samsara and feeling pretty confident that neither apply I moved to the answer from my own heart. For me the answer is we should always rely on the happiness that is cultivated from a heart of compassion. It does not mean that we turn our back on suffering it means we embrace it with an open and loving heart. It's not a denial of what is going on in samsara but an embracing of our fear's and touching it with a loving hand and sending it on its way.

Having a loving kindness towards someone elses loss or their moving on from this life to the next... That's not attachment or being hung up in samsara. I don't think Buddha is asking us to our deny feelings or reality I think from my own side that he is teaching us to stand firmly with a certitude on ground that is constantly shifting!

What a lovely opportunity to learn a deep lesson from a simple line of dharma. Yes! We should always rely upon a happy mind alone. Always. xx

Learning to Laugh

2011-03-24T11:08:00.001-07:00

(Vajarapani- Destroyer of the host of Mara's. This is his wrathful aspect)

Since starting a Buddhist practice over a year ago I have learned the following:
Laugh! This keeps the mind light, supple, and unattached.
Stop trying to change the world! If you sincerely believe in the law of cause and effect then everything is exactly as it should be! Change your own mind not others!
We have free will exercise it. Karma can be purified so what are you waiting for?

Coming up Peanuts

2011-01-01T19:19:00.000-08:00

(Budhha Heruka in union with Varjra yogini symbolizing great bliss and emptiness)

The other day while I was visiting the center I was talking about my grandmother planting peanuts when I was a kid so we could see what a peanut plant looked like and where peanuts came from. My teacher asked why she would do that... I thought that it seemed pretty clear that my granny wanted me to see where peanuts came from. My teacher seemed unsatisfied with this answer so he asked me again why? I felt a little annoyed because from my own side it did not really matter to me why! For my grandmother clearly it was important to her or she would not have made the action. I did not want to be angry with my teacher so I tried to let go of my annoyance by briefly contemplating his question. I came up with an answer that still did not seem to satisfy him and he said that I should go and ask her why. Ha! I'm thinking in my mind "Yeah no! Not going to happen". It is with deepest gratitude that I have a Granny that wants to show me things and pass on knowledge. Perhaps this was the answer my teacher was trying to illicit from me but I was to busy trying to cope with my annoyance which was blocking my ability to answerer with a clear mind. This is beautiful because I have asked my teacher to show me my mind. How kind he is to do this for me! I need to be reminded of my ignorance again and again and I am so grateful for the reminder. It is my humble wish that you never be separated from your happiness and that you have a kind teacher that will show you your mind with a nice karate chop to the head! Haha:)

Tara's Chanted Meditation

2010-12-29T13:55:00.000-08:00

(Green Tara)

I'm so looking forward to this New Year's Eve Tara Chanted Meditation Marathon at the Redondo Beach Kadampa Center.

Tara is a Wisdom being that can help us quickly when we call to her by chanting her mantra.

Every three hours, beginning at 8:00am, we will chant Tara's sadhana, make requests for the New Year and recite her beautiful mantra. Each session lasts for 1 hour.

Tara is our common mother who protects us from dangers, guides and encourages us in our spiritual practice and helps us free ourselves from the inner pain of the delusions.

The schedule is as follows:

Friday, December 31st

Session I 8:00am
Session II 11:00am
Session III 2:00pm
Session IV 5:00pm
Session V 8:00pm
Session VI 11:00am

Cost: Free

The Retreat is held at:

Mahamudra Kadampa Buddhist Center
519 N Irena Ave.
Redondo Beach, Ca 90277

A beautiful way to ring in the new year with a virtuous intention.

I wish you a very happy prosperous 2011!

Where is My Mind?

2010-12-12T11:46:00.000-08:00

(Monk and the wind, location at KMC Brazil just outside Sao Paulo October 2010)

It is nearly 80 degrees today in my flowery front garden located in sunny Manhattan Beach Ca.. The bee's have already come and gone. I know this because when I walked the dogs earlier this morning there were so many bees on the flowers it sounded like an entire hive had arrived in the flowers to orchestrate pollination. It was an awesome event! What looked to be hundred's of bees working in the front garden creating a real buzz. From my own side I'm thankful for their hard work because I get to reap the fruits of their labor. I have already spotted volunteer lavender, rosemary, and chive! This is not from me seeding but the bee's cross pollinating. I'm so happy for them to have the front garden as a food source because they in turn feed me in beautiful ways... They are my dharma and that is the best way to describe my relationship with the bee's. I watch and learn from them. I know that I fear them because when one landed on my arm the other day, I watched it for a moment and then panicked when I saw it's abdomen start to pump up and down! I thought this meant that it was getting ready to sting me so I shooed it off my arm out of fear of the pain the sting might cause me... and unnecessary loss of bee life. Haha! Funny that I did not see it the other way around! I worried for my own well being first and then the bee... tsk tsk! I must keep practicing.

This made me question myself, am I really am a good observer or am I still coloring the world with the crayons from my coloring box? Perhaps a little of both. I do realize that I need to work on this. As I observe this year winding down I become increasingly aware that yet another new year is fast on 2010's heals.

My goal for 2011 is just to observe. Even if all I can do is take in are simple snap shots of life then so be it! I don't want to judge or feel the need to react. My hope is to embody the intention of compassion, renunciation, and correct Buddhist view- only then will I be securely on the path of becoming a wish fulfilling jewel

Is that Bacon?

2010-12-12T07:39:00.000-08:00

(The Front Garden in December! The Cosmos have volunteered)

I came to last night from a nice sleep around one o'clock in the morning to the sound of banging pots and pans in the kitchen and then to the sound and smell of something frying. John and Jake were back from their late night hockey game and cooking up some grilled cheeses before coming to bed! I fell back off to sleep. No dreams that I can recall.

This morning I woke up, just after 6am to the sound of banging pots and pans in the kitchen and then the sound and smell of bacon frying. John and Jake were back in the kitchen cooking! Both were chatting away about facebook hacking... I think Jake may have left his profile open on the computer but my brain had not cleared enough to really follow the conversation.

I'm not sure if I sleep to much or that they don't sleep and eat too much! Ha:) Even the dogs did not get up with the smell and potential promise of bacon.

Sunday Morning View

2010-12-05T08:13:00.000-08:00

(The horse trail that I run during my lunch break in Griffith Park, Los Angeles Ca Dec 2010)

Scones are in the oven. Jake is at work until mid afternoon. The husband has gone off to ride on a velodrone track for the morning and yet the house remains busy, the oven is beeping for me to pull out the scones for Sunday Morning Prayers for World Peace. The heating is bellowing because the front door has just been opened and Dot is on the ottoman snoring... loudly.

My hands hurt from working on my sisters quilt all day yesterday. I only left the house twice, once in the morning to walk the dogs to the post office to pick up boxes to get Christmas gifts mailed and then again in the evening just to take a break by wandering over to whole foods. I pretty much had the entire store to myself. I started to look around at other shoppers wondering who might be in a whole foods on a Saturday evening. Oddly enough I could not really judge! I just saw people.

I keep thinking about a pile of vomit I saw a few weeks back while I was walking the dogs. The vomit was in the back of our local bar and I thought to myself perhaps someone had a little to much to drink. I was not offended or repulsed by the vomit but felt bad for the person that had ejected the contents of their half digested food from their stomach into a symmetrical splat onto the asphalt. It had neatly chewed pieces of chicken that had been cut into the same sizes kind of like the chicken chunks you get in Chinese food and all white meat. The vomit then made Chinese food pop into my head and I thought what a waste of food and money to have it all come back up and left on the side of the street.... Could it have been a date gone terribly wrong? Haha! The stories we like to tell ourselves!

The dogs and I then went on to take out Saturday morning walk which is a nice loop down to the green belt and back up through the tree section of our neighborhood. This keeps the dogs happy and sleeping for most of the afternoon. On the way home we came across the vomit but this time two crows had discovered it and were eating it! I loved this and thought to myself how wonderful that everything has a purpose. Everything functions interdependently. Nothing is inherently existent. Sometimes I need to step back from thinking I need to do something and just watch things happen. I thought of emptiness as I watched the crows peck at the chicken bits. The chicken was changing form from presumably Chinese food into vomit which in turn became crow food! I simply was there to observe the play.

The Rhythm of Life

2010-11-27T09:19:00.000-08:00

(Playing with perspective, I was trying to create the illusion that I was parting the clouds... Glendale Ca. Nov 2010)

I slept nearly 10 hours last night as I woke up I became aware of English football on the TV in the front room and the dance of the dogs toe nails on the wood floor. One dog is old and favors a leg so his dance I have named higgldey piggldey. The husband and dogs came parading into the bedroom. Me trying to read the time of day by the color of the light outside thought that it might only be 7am but the husband said no its 9am. I did not want to believed this to be true. How could I have slept so long? I have gone into some kind of hibernation. The husband handed me a cupa coffee let the dogs out and threw open the curtains on the French doors that lead out to the back garden. I propped myself up with my coffee and watched the sun illuminate the objects of my world. The birch tree sways in the kind breeze. Mr. Squirrel runs across the wire on his squirrel freeway. A small finch lands on the banister of the deck looks and then leaves. Now everything has become still. My breath slow. My mind clear. I see the rhythm of life as one nature. We are all one nature. One.

A Guru's Play

2010-10-15T16:08:00.000-07:00

(Crow on a wire Glendale Ca 10/16/2010)

A beautiful yogini posted a really neat facebook status that I had the great joy to catch in my thread today. It just reached out and touched my heart and reminded me of how fun and mischievous Gurus are. I could not pass up the opportunity to share!

It read:
“A thought from my gurus: If something feels difficult, approach like it's easy. If something feels easy approach like it's difficult. ~Bless ♥”

I can really appreciate this simple yet deceptive sentence! I find myself falling in the trap of approaching my daily activities as difficult or easy and know from my ownside that it is a LOT of attachment on my part, you know, those wonderful feelings of like and dislike that cause us hang-ups!

Attachments are generated from our ego. Ego is a combination of self grasping and self cherishing. The stronger the ego the more we tend to cling or hold onto our idea of what we think the world should be. The weaker the ego we accept the world as it is and go with the flow. The Guru is trying to point this out by making a dualistic dance out of the attachment. If easy make it hard if hard make it easy, to try and wake us up to our mind of attachments. The reality is that the activities from their own side do not have or contain the hard, easy, good, or bad. All this comes from the mind that is imputing on the action as hard or easy.

I have kind of over simplified the above only to make an example. I am assured of this: Attachments run deep and take a long time to work through, but if one is patient and perseveres with a steady practice of meditation over time one will catch glimpses of the play of illusion and not feel the need to grab on and attach to it but instead see the beautiful dance of samsara for what it is.

How wonderful! Thank you dear gurus! Thank you yogini for the inspiration. Thank you to my teacher who continues guide me with a bright lantern of Bodhichitta.

When to Lie?

2010-09-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

(Griffith Park- Los Angles, 2010, Manifest Objects and Potential Space)

Wanting to take my buddhist practice to the next level I joined a study group that is part of the New Kadampa lineage. We meet once a week at our local center and have study partners. My partner is awesome! Full of curiosity, honesty, and has a true desire to be a better person. He asked me about the 6 perfections and morality and could I live my life without telling a lie? His question, if I can recall it correctly was: If I did not like a dress that a friend was wearing but they liked it would I say that I did not like it if they asked me... No, I would tell my friend that the dress was fab. I would never do anything to harm someone in this way. My question back to him was why does it matter what I think? Its only an opinion and why would I level my opinion against someone? I know that it is common practice in our culture to have a point of view on every friggin aspect of our lives right down to the soy in our latte with a half twist of what ever! I feel sorry for people that seem to suffer when they can't get their morning coffee's made to their exact specification because after all we can't be happy unless we have EXACTLY what we want when we want it... Really, Really?! I refuse to live life this way.

From my own side, when I stopped feeling the need to impute my point of view out on to the objects that appear to my mind thats when things started to get really really fun! I stopped getting hung up on things because they were not happen to me but instead just simply "happenings" or my favorite way to describe appearance as "jazz" there is jazz going on... or Karma. How I choose to interact with these happenings is where the morality question comes into play. I do the best I can and try and use a very clear razor sharp mind with a compassionate intention. When I check my intention before I speak then I can make sure that I am coming from a place of compassion and not from indifference or ignorance. Telling a friend you like a dress even if you don't see yourself wearing it is not a crime against morality its simply keeping a compassionate mind for someone who does.

I advised my study partner to ask our resident monk for a practice... My thinking was that our teacher would be able to provide instructions to my partner that would help him to understand karma and that will help open up the morality issue to a more grey area vs. a black and white situation... Form is emptiness and emptiness is form. End of story. And as my lovely teacher told me if this gets to heady go back to compassion. Beautiful sweet words of nectar.

Foot note: My study partner requested a practice from our teacher. Beautiful karma for my study partner!!!

Princess

2010-09-21T16:45:00.000-07:00

I have a friend that is living in the south. She was traveling on a back road on the way back from the dog park and happened to notice a very very ill dog out in front of a house. She stopped and asked the owners about the dog. The owners (2 men claimed ownership the 3rd said he was a friend) were less than interested and just simply said the dog was sick. My friend said would you like me to get your dog some help? They responded with: Do you want to take her? Princess could not walk and was clearly malnourished so my friend called animal care and control and they came and picked Princess up and took her to the shelter with the owners consent. The following morning my friend called to check on her condition only to find that Princess had been put to sleep the night before shortly after she had arrived...

My friend was gutted! She felt that it was her action that caused the death of this poor dog. I reassured her that she was Princess's angel that came and picked her up out of the dirt patch she was lieing in and gave her a safe place to die. I reminded my friend that Princess was put to death out of compassion because she was to far gone. I take comfort in the thought that before Princess died she was able to look into the eyes of those who had love and compassion for her. I can only hope that someone was petting her head and telling her that she was a good girl as she parted from this realm.

A side note: My friend wanted to press charges against the owners but animal care and control refused to give her any information about what had caused the dog to starve to near death. They simply said case closed and hung up on her. This is harsh but I have to think that they must deal with ticked off people on a daily basis. Perhaps its not ACC jurisdiction to press charges against the owners. I think from my own side I can see that ignorant and delusional minds do cruel things to this world including letting an animal starve to death on their own front porch.

Big kudos to my friend for having the courage to pull over and confront 3 men on her own. That's awesome!

My wish for this world is for all sentient beings to never be separated from their happiness. Be good, do good.

Location Happiness

2010-08-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

(Tejon State Park Aug 8 2010. Bliss at 4,000 feet above Los Angeles)

The other day I received a phone call from a dear friend that I have know for a few years through yoga. The voice on the other end of the line was sad and suffering over not having a sangha in the new town that she was living in. This was making her feel a little conflicted about her choice to leave LA and relocate across the country. After talking for awhile my friend walked me back through her thought process as to why it was important for her to leave LA. Her tally of reasons all seemed to be very valid points and pretty solid thinking. The following morning I started to ruminate on my conversation with the unhappy yogini and I remembered a Dharma teaching from an amazing Kadampa Buddhist nun. Happiness or contentment is not in a location... like say... Oregon. If this were true then all the people in Oregon would be telling the rest of the world to come to Oregon to get in on this happiness! Truth or reality tells us something different, that there are unhappy people wherever you go including yourself! You could be traveling in Italy and find your coffee is to cold or your luggage has not turned up or you have just been dumped by your boyfriend, so you are unhappy... In Italy...desperately trying to find happiness.

So where is this happiness or contentment that we seek? It is simply in our own mind waiting patiently for us to recognize that it has been there all along. How easy it is to be distracted by the bright and shiny things in life thinking our happiness lies in objects or in chasing locations... But really all we need to do is silence our own minds by eliminating the chatter and distractions. We don't necessarily need a sangha for this. This is about putting time into the practice of contemplation and meditation, from there we can start listen to our own peace.

However I support whole heartedly my friends desire to create a sangha in her new town as this could only help to benefit everyone involved. Sangha is wonderful way to create collective energy and it helps us to keep from sinking into our own pain but if one in not available to us we must make the determination to sit on our cushions and work through our own minds.

May you never be separated from your happiness

Teaching Meditation

2010-07-26T14:58:00.000-07:00

At first glance I thought this was going to be a difficult experience but once I stepped back and allowed the process to flow from me to the room it turned out to be something very special! In not making it about myself, or what I thought I knew, or did not know... I simply shared from where I was at in that moment in time. I found that this authenticity was my connection to the room. Love beamed from every single face and I was only too happy to reciprocate.

Our focus for the past 2 weeks has been working on compassion for complete strangers. For myself I remembered a story about karma that had been told to me by a fellow Sivananda practitioner some years back. He had some friends that were newlywed's and they decided to go back packing in India for their honeymoon. They landed in New Deli for the first phase of the trip (they were planning on working their way up to Nepal.) On the way over to the hotel they ran into some really bad traffic and decided to get out of the cab and walk the last 4 blocks to the hotel. They figured they could take in a few of the cities sights and culture. About 2 blocks from the hotel they happen upon a man that was dieing in the street. This freaked them out a little coming from the states you really don't get the people dieing in the street thing, of course they could not just leave him there. They picked up a cab and loaded the man in and took him to the nearest hospital. They pleaded with the admissions desk to send out a nurse or doctor to help the man. 2 nurses came and and were very angry with the backpackers telling them that it was this mans karma to die in the street why had they brought him to the hospital and refused to treat him.

It has taken me over 2 years to understand this story. I could not figure out why it seemed like such a gross misunderstanding of karma and compassion and then it hit me on the head as I was passing a very bad car accident on the 110 freeway. I was in the northbound lane and the accident was in the southbound lane. As I passed the accident I was relieved to see that fire fighters, paramedics, and police were there helping the victims. I thought about how the victims were on their way from dropping the kids off at school and then perhaps heading into the office or off to business meetings. None of them suspecting or wanting to get into a car pile up on the 110 freeway. I said a little prayer "May their injuries not be life threatening... May their families not worry to badly when they get the call"... Suddenly Karma popped into my head and the thought of it leveled me!

The accident was karma. But we don't drive by and look at those involved and think "Oh, Sucks for you... You are having some bad karma!" NO!!! We stop and help! We do what ever is required of us! We call 911, We hold the hand of those that are suffering and offer love and support. We DON"T step over the dead and the dieing because it is OUR karma to stop and offer love at every possible opportunity. What would our world look like if we never cleaned up an accident and just drove around them? How selfish and foolish that would be.

The class was very moved. I think that they fully recognized the power of their own actions. No action is too small and the most priceless of actions is the act of compassion! If I could offer any advice it would be to meditate on the kindness of all living beings.

The color of the world should be love. It is bold, beautiful, and full, My challenge is to try and help others to understand why it is important to cherish all beings.

Where is the Love?

2010-07-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have just spent an hour out in the front garden dead heading flowers and looking at the path of destruction that the mold has left behind. My mind moved to yesterdays lunch conversation of people and places of the past. I found out that a really cool girl named Ashley that we had hung out with in my early 20's had died back in the late 97 at the age of 37. Many years ago Ashley had told me her secret and I never told anyone until yesterday when my friend at lunch asked me if I knew Ashley was married. I had remembered Ashley telling me this nearly 20 years ago and that no one knew about her clandestine marriage to her then boyfriend's friend... (The link on 'secret' will take you to her secret husbands eulogy of her death, as well as a picture of Ashley)

I thought of other people... One girl came to mind, who's name is Elizabeth... I seem to recall she called herself Liz-beth or something like that. I just called her Elizabitch. She was and probably still is one of LA's original mean girls and of course I was the soup du jour on her daily menu along with shit sandwiches. I could not help but really dislike her. Her cruelty was petty and snarky... And she, for what ever reason, found me to be easy game. Even now after nearly 20 years I'm not sure that I would piss on her if she were on fire in the street.... Wow!

So I ask myself where is my compassion for this woman? Is this myself grasping talking? Buddhism does not ask us to deny reality. If someone is cruel, then perhaps repulsion/anger is a normal reaction to their intentionally cruel actions. I think what Buddhism suggest is in order for one to have equanimity of mind one must be neither repulsed or attracted by another's actions but simply abide in peace. And by observing my thoughts in the garden today I have witnessed first hand that I need to continue practicing equanimity of mind!

I think this is the part were I need to feel thankful for all the nut jobs that I have come across in this life. It is through them that I will become a Buddha for the benefit of all.

Ahhh! The gardeners have stopped with the loud leaf blowers over at my neighbors house. I think I might go and sit on my cushion and contemplate why it is that I do not have compassion for All, but instead I seem to be suffering from a case of selective compassion.

Global Wrist Band Project

2010-07-04T15:51:00.001-07:00

I have the coolest karma ever! The other day I opened my email to find a yogini reaching out to me with her very cool project!

So please let me take a moment and give a shout out to this really cool gal Christina S. and the non profit that she works for Off the Mat and into the World

She has created the Global Wrist Band Project as a fund raising effort on the prevention of HIV/AIDS in South Africa. If you are one of the first 50 people to buy a band you will have a band named after you!! That is just so sweet.

I have nicked the photo from her web page to show you an example of what the wrist bands look like. There are many different designs and I encourage you to check them out! Please feel free to re-post the above links to your own fb and or blog!

Supporting community has become a passion for me and I can not pass-up an opportunity to help those who are helping others! This is how the world really works in my humble view. And using today's teaching from The Gampa's Sunday Morning for World Prayers:

We are all inter-dependent on each other and we should celebrate this inter-dependence instead of independence! We should hug each other and thank each other for everything that we do for each other. This is what the 4th of July should be about

.

So Christina a big hug and thank you for doing what you do! May you be happy! May you never be separated from your happiness;-D (And thank you for sending this sentiment back to me!)

Peace Love and Many Blessings (Happy Inter-Dependence Day!)
Janaki xx

New Beginning

2010-07-03T09:53:00.000-07:00

(A montage of summer in my front garden, The Devi bestows blessings)

I have been absent from my blog for the past 6 months (or perhaps even longer!). This was intentional on my part. I had grown tired of listening to my thoughts. I grew bored of my story and I knew I needed to let go. Our stories do become boring... We all have one and everytime we think it is good or bad we are assenting to our feelings when all that is going on is simply karma! I find this very very liberating, I am not tied to any labels, I am not this and I am not that. I am.... a unfolding effect of my cause's... a continuum.

So the past 6 months I have immersed myself into a beautiful, Tibetan Buddhist practice, I'm not going to go into it's details because it is not relevant here, I believe those who seek shall find. If you want to know more you will ask and I would be happy to oblige.

In doing this practice my thoughts have slowed down and my mind has moments absolute calm. This calm produces a most peaceful feeling... It would take a really big thing to pull me away from this feeling of Terra Firma, an example would be a death in my family. I would find it hard to loose a family member and I would suffer the loss. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

So why come back to my blog now? My motivation is very simple and uncomplicated, to share the thoughts that do come up. I'm in a very cool flow right now, perhaps I can describe it as a feeling of equanimity. I feel that I understand more and judge less. I really like being in this place and so look forward to what is next.

Stay tuned for observations from a mind in the process of clearing out the clutter!

May you be happy, may you never be separated from your happiness! Om Peace

Sunday Morning

2010-06-27T07:31:00.000-07:00

7:30 am Germany Vs. England 2-0.
There is not a sound coming from the front room.

I'm trying something new,
coffee in bed with hot flashes.

7:37am Germany Vs. England 2-1! "Yes!" has come from the direction of the front room.
The refs of this world cup have been blind! England should have been awarded that 2nd goal...

Prayers for world peace later this morning. How are we going to create world peace? By starting with our own minds, and what does this mind look like? It is a mind that has equanimity for every sentient being. Its a mind that loves the hero and villain equally. Today I will pray for the little boys being starved to death by their own mother because she did not want to change their diapers. I will pray for the mother who was so selfish that she starved her little boys because she did not want to clean them. I pray that her ignorance be removed and that she will wake-up to love.

I dreamed of my grandmother last night... She was keeping busy and seemed ageless even at the good age of 85. She did not acknowledge my existence. This is ok. I'm not going to deny my karma as it appears to my mind. I'm going to take responsibility for my karma and accept that my grandmother will never acknowledge me.
Today I will pray for her too, I will ask that she not suffer and find happiness.

My Grandmother is a beautiful and deep lesson for me. She teaches me to love my own "villains" unconditionally. I put villains in quotes because I am working equanimity, trying not to judge people as friends, strangers, and enemies. I want to understand all minds and have compassion for all sentient beings.

Life Happens

2010-05-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

(Old Priory now Manjurshri a Buddhist temple, Ulverston England May 2010)

I'm feeling a little stressed this morning and I have not even gotten out of bed! Ugh! This is my way of dealing with stress; stay in bed with a cup of coffee, laptop, and TiVo-ed marathon of Nurse Jakie with husband and Dot our deaf pit bull.

Darn, Already getting pangs to get out of bed and bake scones for this mornings world peace meditation class. Well if I get out of bed now I can get them in the oven and make it happen.

Peace!

Travel

2010-04-03T07:03:00.000-07:00

(Ulverston at Manjurshri Buddhist Temple March 2010, North of England on the Irish Sea)

I have been blessed with much travel. For nearly 20 years I have gone back to England at least one to two times a year. I think the longest I have ever gone is 2 years without going over for a visit. Travel get harder as you get older. I notice the effects on my body more now than I ever did say when I was 20 something. Travel also offers many opportunities for Dharma and I have to admit I missed a very good opportunity to practice compassion on the flight from London back to LA. Behind me was a 14 year old deaf girl and her very neurotic mother both were very unaware of anyone else except themselves. They did not want to let my son put his seat back to sleep because they felt they would not be able to get out but yet it was "ok" for them to put their seats back on the people behind them. They used a hollow "sorry" for every infraction that they cause others. The mother was always quick to blame her daughters deafness as the cause of all their catastrophe's...

A long story short the mother and daughter hammered the back of our seats for nearly 3 hours and I finally turned and asked the mother to please try and stop. I got the "sorry but my daughter is deaf and I can not control her". I said yes that might be but it is you that is messing around bumping the seat not her... (HAHA! What the hell was I thinking?! ) Looking back I should have known that this woman could not take any responsibility for her actions and that she would lash out at me. And she did she let me have it and told me that she would slap my face or something to that effect if I did not stop looking at her that way. I think my look was total disbelief because she was blaming someone who was not even there but in the toilet! I had a brief moment of contemplating to myself, "Perhaps she just insane?" She was smart enough to read the look on my face and be offended by it. Ha! I just turned around and told myself it would be a long flight without sleep, and it was. Every time she bumped my seat I practiced tonglen. I gathered all her suffering and took it upon myself and sent her compassion. I did not know what else to do. I did not want to sit there and hate on her. That would only make me feel ill and what's the point in getting myself sick over someone else's neurosis?

I have to admit that I was sad that I felt the need to say anything at all to her.... My son told me that she was just a very selfish person and that was just exactly how it was. How does one find love and compassion for those who are completely oblivious about their own suffering? I'm thinking we have to work everything back to compassion.

View

2010-03-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

(Looking up into the sky to... see. Griffith Park Feb 2010)

Why are the 5 impurities seen as impure? Why is a view an impurity?
The Tibetan Buddhist answer to this is simple:

"The impurity of view is the strong tendency of people these days to accept and foster mistaken or distorted views, such as a view that denies the functioning of karma."

My answer from today's contemplation on why view is an impurity: Having a view is the action of self grasping and self cherishing. To not have a view is a good indicator of where one is at in their practice because to not feel the need to have an opinion about everything that happens is coming from a place of acceptance. We can have compassion for someone who is harmed in an accident but know that the accident is simply cause and effect... Perhaps someone was being neglectful and got harmed, don't think of the person as foolish but instead have compassion for their suffering and know it's just karma.

View is simply a projection of the mind. It does not exist from its own side. When my mind is still it does not have a side or a duality. I notice that a lack of thoughts and feelings equal emptiness that is completely non dual. This non duality feels like peace, bliss, perhaps contentment. I wish that I could hold on to this feeling at all times but I have not generated the mind of compassion for these feeling to live and thrive full time. But I have complete faith that if I continue to practice the feeling will come and someday stay around for awhile!

I think faith maybe the key here to view... When I foster mistaken or distorted views I am believing something to be fixed and true instead of observing cause and effect and being surprised at the result. Because I have a view then I will want to deny the result if it does not match what I have already in my mind and then I will become unhappy and discontented.

I realize that certain happenings or outcomes are some what predictable but what would happen if I just let go of the dialog of predictions running around my mind. How much stillness my mind would experience! Could I perhaps become even more thankful for the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening? Could I enjoy the taste of coffee more in the morning helping wipe away the narcotic effects of sleep on my mind? Maybe I could I learn to really enjoy "this".

Blame

2010-03-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

(This picture is from my handy cell phone camera taken on one of my Griffith Park lunch time walks. February 2010)

This mornings meditation was on this simple by lovely sentence:

"Gather all blame into one"

I looked around my mind and to my surprise found a lot of blame. I blamed my Grandmother for my fathers illness, I blamed my mom for not being more protective of my bother and sisters as kids. I blamed my husband for a long list of non sense over the past 20 years. I started to wonder where was my responsibility in all this blame and anger? I wondered why I was fighting against things that have already happened? It's the old proverbial bell that can not be un-rung, so why am I still holding onto the should of, could of, would of? I have this terrible habit of looking at karmas cause and effect as a punishment and its not! It is simply cause and effect there need not be a value attached to it. Its like if you fall down a water fall and end up with your lungs full of water and drown. Its not a punishment, death is simply a result of having your lungs fill with water... You can't blame the water or the water fall for your drowning!... That's karma.

I have heard it said that it is our self cherishing and self grasping that creates blame and anger. Again, it's about turning the microscopic lens back on oneself to see where the attachments are living. I am so delusional because I wander around thinking I'm really unattached and then a really embarrassing dark thought of "What would my life be like if my dad was not mentally ill?" "What would it be like if I did not get married?" will pop into my mind. These are self cherishing thoughts. I'm not accepting what is and letting "is-ness" guide me forward in a positive direction. Instead I'm choosing to deny what "is" and reject it. The funny thing is in rejecting my karma I cause myself more pain and suffering.

Perhaps through the grace of Shakyamuni Buddha, I might be able rid myself of my own painful thoughts. What would that mind look like? What would it look like to just accept that the world is not a perfect place but yet there is not a single thing out of place. And in this imperfection everything is perfect and exactly as it should be.

I'm must remember this and feel it from the bottom of my heart!

Happiness

2010-03-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

There is a commonality among all sentient beings and that is we all seek Happiness. It is said that every single living being has the wish to be happy. When I contemplate this I really can't imagine anyone raising their hand and saying "Um, actually I would like to be tortured and unhappy for many many lives". I would worry for the mind that would think like that. I have to believe that happiness is one of the highest priorities for most beings. My dogs even display happiness and joy when their needs are met.

If I experience people behaving badly perhaps it would be wise of me to think that they suffer because they want to be happy? Perhaps they suffer because it is their self cherishing and self grasping that causes them to stumble around in the darkness of suffering. I have heard it said that true happiness can only be achieved once one has let go of all projections put out into the world by the mind... Happiness comes into being only when I stop grasping at my ideas as being correct and my way being the only correct way to view the world. A view is a form of attachment, we use these views to identify and align ourselves with in effect creating a mold of the world according to our desires and preconceived ideals. When these attachments are not met we get angry or frustrated with life. Not realizing that the world is unfolding for us according to our karma... So why get hung up in ideals? Everything is going to happen as it should do and all we have to do is act with pure intentions from our own side. I am going to make a small vow to try and cultivate this intention of letting go and allowing the day to unfold by not lashing out at the long lines in the super market... by not lashing out at the really, really, bad rush hour traffic on the 110 fwy... And by not thinking that it is all about me.

So how do I peel away the views and stop the story in my mind? (You know, the mind chattering away about the long lines, bad traffic, and how valuable my time is verses everyone else's.) I have heard that it is through the path of Great Compassion. Great Compassion is the only way to stop the story of the mind. And this leads me to my next step on the path of enlightenment. I have to become my own dharma doctor and watch my mind, observe the subtle changes by applying dharma to my life so that I can have a living spiritual practice. I can not control the mind of others but I can certainly control my own mind.

I need to think about how I feel today. What is my life like right now? And what will my life be like a year from now? What changes do I hope to see in my own mind? in short... Clarity.

Life On The Garden Path

2010-01-13T11:59:00.000-08:00

(Barcelona, Spain 2007- A court yard in the center of town)

Distractions are nothing more than life's diversions down the garden path. There is nothing "wrong" with them but know that they are nothing more than that. There is a beautiful Buddhist saying that God and Buddhism are like a finger pointing to the Moon, The problem lies with too many people mistaking the finger for the Moon and suck on the finger... Buddha cut the finger off. We need to be very clear about what we hold on to and why we hold on and more importantly why we hold on to it in the first place.

I have found that even the purest of intentions can be a smoke screen for distraction. A great example is when I found myself getting really caught-up in Karma Yoga and I felt that it was starting to pull me away from what was really important to my heart. Karma Yoga had become a bind or an attachment. We can not honestly say that we are doing Karma Yoga completely unattached to the fruits of our labor because for that statement to be true I would have to be a self realized or liberated soul and that is NOT the case here. So you see its a type of bind because I'm doing it in hopes of clearing karmic debt but at the same time incurring more debt because I cannot have a true pure intention. I came to the realization that it was not the most productive path for me to take. What I have done is gone back to Dharma as I have mentioned in my previous post. I feel that understanding ones duty will lead to actions that help clear karma with right action . What I have found it that these actions might not be what our mind has premeditated for us! It's not that black and white and takes considerable judgement to come to the correct Karma and Dharma! In other words the path is not easy and we need to have resistance to effect change and we find ourselves waking up in places we never even considered before.

I suppose what I am simply saying is that we have to play to work it out! When we find ourselves down the garden path don't be afraid to turn around and break the bind! (You can look at binds as an attachment or anything sticky that you get hung up in.) A great example is when one gets hung up in spiritual progress thinking its something to grab onto when in Reality there is no-thing to grab onto! And that has been the whole point all along. I have to admit when I figured this out I became angry at first because I felt so ridiculous. I had a belief that there was something hidden from me and that I had to do this or that in order to uncover whatever "that" was... There is only this moment with its thoughts, feelings and motion!

Clarity can be a brutal mirror! Suddenly gaining a little insight and seeing the fog lift I realized how silly I had behaved spiritually. I'm very humbled by this experience and forever grateful to it. I will never seek again... I only wish to understand.

So back to Karma Yoga...

Karma Yoga is used to break the ego (which Swamiji so kindly told me "ego does not exist"... love these Hindu paradoxes!) So why do karma yoga if there is no ego to break? Because we don't understand or as the Hindus would say to work out our ignorance, or lack of knowledge, lack of experience. As long as we seek we then we are ignorant of our true nature... After all, we are the Truth we seek. Know this and let go of the masque of persona... Ego.

Next topic of discussion will be belief vs. faith!. Think about it.;-D

2010 Right Action

2009-12-30T23:00:00.001-08:00

Napa November 2009. The changing color of the leaves. The vines are preparing to go into hibernation for the winter they will wake up in the spring of 2010 to produce new fruit!.

2010: The start of a new decade that delivers to me a fresh new intention of right action. Right action is ones duty. By doing ones duty we live in balance with all other aspects of this experience we call life.

Right action had me hibernate and struggle emotionally with my own actions and thoughts for the most of 2009. I woke to find myself in a whole new place... one that I never expected to find myself in....

Right action has inspired me to rediscover my community, I have returned with a commitment to support my local yoga studio, support my local temple; I have realized that it is no longer “ok “to travel nearly 24 miles round trip to take a yoga class when I have a studio less than a mile from my home…. I must change my own behaviors before I can ask someone to do the same.

Coming to the realization that everything is yoga helped me shake off my purist attitude towards asana. Asana is used to strengthen the body for sitting in lotus pose for meditation. It is a small part of the spiritual practice and should not be confused as Yoga. We don’t do yoga…it’s more like yoga does us. A good asana practice will open the body and mind up and make it supple enough to receive a meditative state. So where this asana practice happens is not of any real importance because it’s the intention of the practitioner… Lovely!

I bring a learners mind to 2010 so that I can be filled with new experiences. Peace Love, and many blessings friends! Happy New Years Day, Om xx

Experience

2009-12-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

ex-pe-ri-ence:
Something personally encountered, undergone, or lived through.

This word kept me up most of the night. I realized it's true meaning while I was suppose to be sleeping. I now understand we are experience. We are not separate from our experiences. They are what make us who we are. Past experiences are simply memories being recalled into the present. They are useful for us to compare and contrast the present moment but I would like to suggest that we don't get to hung up in the compare and contrast because it does not allow us to see the present moment for what it as... A new experience.

I have been wandering around for the past 2 years in total confusion over, who is the thinker of the thoughts, who is the feeler of the feelings... who is the experiencer of the expereince. I came to the conclusion that there is not 2 of me therefore; I am thought, I am feeling, I am experience.

A subtle epiphany, I know, but yet so very very deep as it answers all my spiritual questions in one giant swoop. It is with deep gratitude that I stand here feeling completely naked and humbled. Yesterday's meditation was lovely, I have let go of all. I have grown tired of hearing the limitations and set them aside for someone else to struggle with. It is no longer my battle to fight. I am simply a human being having a human experience. There is no escaping that because that is the whole point in the first place. One can walk in circles for many many years questioning everything... but there is no reason to because everything is perfect and as it should be so why worry? Why not just get on with living?

What is next? I have no idea. The universe will no doubt continue to surprise me with its beautiful unfolding of events. I will continue to study all religions, eastern philiosphy, and metaphysics, I highly recommend Alan Watt's book "The Wisdom of Insecurity"
Brilliant work from a brilliant being.

Art of Yantra

2009-12-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

Creating a Yantra is a valuable tool to see were you are in your practice. Yesterday I attended a Yantra workshop at the center. It has been a year since my first Yantra which for some reason seemed so easy for me... At the time I was very much into my spirituality and eating up anything I could get my hands on about the practice of Vedanta and meditating vigilantly.

This Years Yantra class went a little different for me! I learned some really cool thing from Pieter. Whom is a brilliant painter and a wise Sage! I am a very blessed being to come across such wonderful people in this life. Here is a little of what I picked up:

The 2nd chakra is sometimes called "Heaven" it is said that Christianity stops here - It's when everything materialistically is perfect... (Bahama Life, Everything is a vacation).

The 3rd Chakra is Ashram Life! I only have my experience of Ashram life over the past few years to reflect on and the impression that it has left on my mind is nothing short of idyllic... Truly a beautiful experience to give yourself.

The 7th Chakra Time no longer exist. it is represented in Hindu art as the man with absurdly long hair and nails.

A little numerology:
Take the day you were born, I'm born on the 22nd that makes me a #4 this is how I perceive myself. Number four's karmic lesson is to be content. Its ruling planet is Rahu.

Now I'm not sure how to figure out the destiny # but it has something to do with the birthday and year... I am a #7 this is what God has planned for me. I need to research what a #7 is but I think all the # are good . We get exactly what we need in this birth to help us in our next life.

So how about this years Yantra?! Well let me be honest... It was very difficult in places and easy in others... kind of like life. I see it as a reflection of what is in my mind. And yes I have a very funny way of boiling everything down to myself ...Lets face it! This life is all about ourselves. Who are we fooling to think other wise?

Well today is a busy day with baking goodies for our Transition South Bay-LA Film Screening. I am happy that the weather forecast is rain!(Hurray for rain!) Maybe we will get a few more in attendance ;-D And thus I can expand my dream to save the world one being at a time. Ha!

Om Shanti

Life Expressed and Experienced

2009-11-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

I have been gone but not absent. I have been taking the time to try and work through some very tough stuff without a safety net. At times it has felt exhilarating and at other times very dark.... During meditation I have been experiencing a land mine of thoughts and unexpressed emotions. As I sit silent on my cushion painful past memories bubble up out of the void on to the blank screen of my mind then disappear back into the void leaving a patch of raw emotions, pain, hurt, anger, and rage.

I have come to feel that these thoughts are creating an opportunity for me to try and wrap up loose ends with my dad's mother. This would be the Grandmother that treats me as if I am dead. I have made a commitment to speak honestly and truthfully to her in a series of letters. I have to admit that sometimes when I sit down to write her I have nothing but anger and I just want to shake the crap out of her and shout "but we were just children".

I let it all out on the page and then walk away to let it settle into a more clear thought process or at least a cohesive stream of consciousness bereft of blame. It's been a cathartic clearing. Once I get past my initial emotion of rage I can write her with detachment and compassion.

I'm sharing my experience in hopes that it will help me purge the mad little events that sum up my very fragmented childhood... It has been emotionally exhausting... and at times I feel blinded by emotions of anger and I can't find my way. I'm not sure where this spiritual battle is going to take me but I do feel that it needs to happen in order to cut it loose. I believe that is why it keeps popping up in my still moments. My meditations are providing me an opportunity to clear-up the past.

The background story in brief:

My grandmother has not spoken to me in about 25 years. I am dead to her because she feels that I wrote my dad off and she is very correct in that assessment. I did write my dad off. The events that led to my decision to never speak to my father again was when my stepmother's ex-husband set my house on fire, set my car on fire and then sent my mom threatening letters that he was going to harm us kids next. The police followed us around in unmarked cars hopes that this guy would make a move. He was never caught or charged for terrorizing us.

A long story short, my father never once came by to soothe our fears or see if we were O.K. or even apologize for his new wife's nut-job ex-husband. He never paid for the car... Nothing. He failed to be a caring parent. To protect myself and my sanity I wrote my father off as a cruel ass that really should not have had children. My emotions towards him never evolved from that point of view until now. I now see my father was a self centered paranoid schizophrenic coward it would be counter intuitive for him to look past himself to try and care for someone else's feelings even if he was the one that caused the chaos. He thrived on chaos. So the events that I wanted him to apologize for so we could reconcile our relationship... This was childish of me as I should have realized that it was never ever going to happen in any life time. My grandmother took my fathers side which proves to me that she does not have a clear understanding of ethics or morals. Arjuna runs into this dilemma when he is to fight and kill his own family. Arjuna does not want to kill his family and agonizes over what is the correct thing to do. Krishna teaches Arjuna morals and ethics and helps Arjuna understand what his Dharma(Duty)is to follow Truth and Self Realize.

I have written my Grandmother a total of 3 letters to date starting with once of condolence for my grandfathers passing. I thought that I would approach her on a human level and move past my hate and blame. She has surprised me by responding with a card that said the following:

"Penny and I have Thanks Giving plans, Very busy here, will respond to the rest of your letter later" -m.e.c."

She did not say "Dear Geri" or anything other than what is in the above quote. HA!
I wobbled a little bit with the thought of this letter she intends to send me. I thought that I should write her back and tell her that I really do not need a response... but then I corrected my thinking, I wondered if she might have been waiting for the opportunity to tell me her version of events... Why steal her thunder?

So, I have decided I will wait. If she does not write then I will not follow up. I feel in my heart that there is to much water under the bridge. Why bother an old lady set in her ways.

Caught In The Light

2009-11-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

(Pink Moon By Nick Drake... Lovely!)

I have found that it is 'my" thinking that is wrong. What Swami saw and what I saw were 2 very different things on that day. She saw her duty to shake me awake! To awaken me to my Self! This is not a bad thing! Were her tactics harsh? You be they were! But guess what... She got my full attention! And for this I AM forever grateful! Because of her I woke to dig deep within me. I stopped giving Brahman name and form. Perhaps I will come back to name and form but for right now I can't contain "It" I can't label and sort.

This is a funky place to be in.... To not have the desire to apply labels to things or try to sort and identify. I have been able to just look at people and "see' them without my preconceived judgments, I write no back story, I just see a human being having a human experience on a planet that peoples. I feel no separation between me and the world around me... I want to love everyone and everything. It's so easy it just flows freely without judgement. I don't know how I got here... It's like I just plopped and looked around and thought yes, yes, yes!

To try and put it all in words is silly... It's like trying to describe a fork or spoon! The moment we say fork or spoon the image is already in our heads! Try this little exercise: Say the name fork over and over and over until it loses its meaning. That's what it's like to live without sorting and identifying! Free! It's a letting go while not holding on. It's to not feel obligated to say something is bad or good just to stand in the "perhaps". When you stand in the "perhaps" you are admitting that nothing is 'final" that it's is all unfolding and will continue to unfold even after our expiration. I am not the beginning nor am I the end... I am something that just happens in the flow of what I like to call life.

So how do I vision from here? I'm not sure... This I need to ponder and figure out how that works into the equation of flow. What I do know is that I will take visioning a part and put it back together once I have understood it. It may take me 6 months, a year, or a day to understand. I really does not matter because like running water I can't hold onto it and like smoke I can't lean on it.

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.

The Four Yoga Notebooks

2009-11-14T16:27:00.000-08:00

(Oh Sweet Morning is your head not right?...)

I have started transcribing 4 Yoga note books of classes and lectures that I have attended over the past 3 years. Why has it taken me so long to get all my yoga notes in on spot? Well it goes something like this:

Back in March of this year I attended my first Vedanta workshop. Vedanta in short is all about one simple but illusive question ”Who Am I?” (The answer to this question I will post later). So there I was firm in my newly acquired knowledge of yogic philosophy. I was called on by the swami to tell the room of 20 people what I do to practice, Karma yoga, Bhakti yoga, Jhana Yoga and Raja Yoga… I wanted to throw-up! I was horrified because up to this point every person that swami had called on had been cut down into scraps… I knew it was now my turn to be disemboweled by the woman in orange.

I managed to tell her that I meditate daily… but then corrected myself to say that it was more accurately concentration. She said “Oh!?” “and what is concentration?” I answered with what I had learned from the Yoga Sutras. "To collapse the mind down to focus on a single point." She then asked why I thought I could not meditate. (Really? Stupid me I try to answer...) I suggested that I thought it was because I could not stop my mind from moving forward and backward… At this point the Swami in Orange is starting to lose patience with me and she starts to fire off more questions at me “What is meditation?” I try to answer again with what I had learned from the Yoga Sutras. My reply …”A suspension of all thought.” "So why can’t you meditate?",Chuffs out the irritated Swami demanding to know what's wrong with me…

I’m starting to realize that the more questions she asks me is not a good sign. I get that pit feeling in my stomach as I have failed the Swami inquisition miserably. I can’t figure out why every time I answer her questions she just gets more and more vexed. I started to worry that I was going to make her blow-up or have a stroke or something like that…

So to answer her last question “So why can’t you meditate?” I said perhaps my ego was in the way. She laughed out loud, "You don’t have and ego! Ego is just an illusion! Your problem is you read some books and take some classes and think you know something. You are attached!"

I held back my hot tears of shame and the vomit that wanted to follow. I wondered to myself what the hell just happened? I felt shame because I was an idiot maybe even an ass. I felt shame because I had spoke what I felt to be my truth and was laughed at. I was caught being a fool. Standing in the room naked would have felt more comfortable.

A few moment pass and the Swami in Orange says to me, "I purposely pulled the rug out from under you to show you that you know nothing." I honestly did not know what to say… "Thank you?" What!?... What does one say?! At the end of the workshop the Swami held up a book that we could all buy… I wanted to get up and walk out.

I don’t go to spiritual workshops any more. I still study The Gita with my Chaitanya every Friday. The Swami in Orange was in town last week for a workshop and I did not go. Yes, part of me was reacting to her assessment of my “problem” and the other part was because spirituality happens within. You don’t have to go to a church or a temple. You can if that is your desire or bag. The Truth is you are Truth! You don’t need someone to affirm you are Truth unless you really don’t believe you are Truth.

Here is my journal entry a few days after the above Vedanta Workshop:

“Wow! Here’s a thought… I felt Swami was very condescending to the group. It’s like she is playing the role of swami. There was not authenticity to it. I did not go to this workshop to seek swami’s approval. It disturbed me that she felt the need to toy with my mind. “I did not ask you your preference, what is Ego? What is Meditation?”… “You take a few classes here and read some books and think you know something….”

As I allow myself to free fall I’m not going to grab onto any ideology. I’m going to move to my heart and intuition and feel my way out of this moment. I have compassion, but no real desire to have swami as my teacher. Perhaps I am not ready for her, or she for me. This is OK too! I do not feel the need to place a value on it. I’m just going to fall and see where I land.”

Six months later I have come to understand and practice Yogic Philosophy very differently. I am not the same woman I was in that room six months ago…. I have stopped apologizing for being hungry, I have stopped apologizing for wanting to have sex with my husband, I have stopped apologizing for getting angry, I have stopped believing in the doctrine. I have stopped seeking.

You see a Swami’s job is to make you feel like you know nothing. They keep you running in circles and make you see how silly you really are. They run you around to get you to realize that there is nothing “out there” but it’s all within you and always has been! The idea is to run you stupid until you run out of questions. When you come to the end of questions you will realize that you are the Self! But you can be distracted into thinking that you don’t know. You see Swami was wrong I knew exactly what was wrong with my meditations. I was trying to meditate instead you just letting it do me. It’s like falling asleep. One does not go to bed and try to fall asleep. It just happens. It’s the same for meditation.

As for ego, I do believe that she is right. There is no ego only Self. I will go in to this another time. So what is life like after letting go? Priorities change! Family becomes very important if not the center of my being. I have a huge desire to give. I see compassion everywhere. I passed a Jew coming out of a temple today and he had the most beautiful eyes! They were stunning! His eyes looked laughing and kind and I smiled right at him as if to say "I see the divine within you!" he reciprocated and at that very moment I realized that Vedanta is a nice philosophy but it’s not the only way… just one of many.

Om Nama Shivaya

Writing To The Big Sky

2009-10-22T16:36:00.000-07:00

(What is left of the Cosmo's after a beautiful October rain in LA!)

I heard something beautiful the other day... "There are no words for the sound of the rain." I thought to myself how true this observation is. We all know what the sound of the rain is like from our own perspective and bag of experiences. But what does the rain sound like to a person who is deaf? I know my deaf dogie smells the rain and feels the soft droplets on her body. What does the rain sound like for a leaf or a flower? What wondrous oblivion to have small water droplets fall out of the sky in a rhythmic pattern hitting the ground creating the music of rain. Nice.

I have been wandering around in my own wondrous oblivion to come to the conclusion that I have only just begun to push the limits of my mind. I have had some very cool epiphanies that have helped me to better understand my relationship to the Universe.
I have been intrigued by things that have a defined purpose in the world like worms! The world can't work without worm's. How about bee's! The world does not work with out bee's! The Universe is built on relationships. At first glance they look like relationships of diversity but in reality it is unity that is underlying and holding the diversity together. I kind of hit a wall when I turned the question back on myself and asked what is my relationship with the world? I drew a blank! Tears came to my eyes because I started to despair that I did not know what my human relationship was in the world. What do I bring to the party?

The other day it hit me while I was out in the front garden. I was hesitating about pulling out the field Cosmo's I have growing. I was puttering around in the garden and I noticed that 7 beautiful little birds with brightly colored yellow bodies and brown wings had climbed deep into the flowers and were eating all the dead flower buds. I looked across the street to see that the old bread I had thrown around had been discovered by Mr. Squirrel and 4 crows. they were busy staking out bread rations. Mr Squirrel was busy burring them in the leaves. 4 crows were at the other end of the bread scatterings collecting what they could. It hit me! I was part of the whole thing.

I did not take out the flowers even though they have seen better days because the beautiful yellow birds need them, the bee's need them, The sun needs them,...I need them. Unity in diversity!

I Am

2009-10-02T14:36:00.001-07:00

(Janaki 1968 in her back garden on Franklin Street in Napa CA)

I remind myself that Yoga is a philosophy, a way to live ones life within the flow of the Divine.

Religion sadly can be very easily boiled down to Fundamentalism, Dogma, and Ideology and therefore losing the essence of the Divine within the limitations and or restrictions of the words in which it is delivered.

Spirituality is to feel or have the awareness of the Divine in ones heart and to cultivate that love by working it backwards to One.

I have come to the conclusion that Hinduism is a lovely collection of Myth that teaches and guides it's aspirant through the practice of Yoga to reach Truth! I love the Gita for this and I am very devoted to the teachings of the Gita but I do not feel the need to constantly be putting labels on 'Being' by calling it Hinduism or Yoga but instead choose to let the words fall away to reveal Brahman.

In short I do not call my Self a Hindu or Yogini... although I am aspirant of both.. Perhaps even these concepts are too limiting. I try and reach for "I Am".

Soham.

The Road of Contemplaition

2009-09-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

(I'm on the left my little sister Teri on the right.. Taken by my Uncle Roger in 1969 at my nice granny's house. I'm 4 years old. I think that I'm wearing my Uncle Mikes shirt!)

It’s Saturday morning… I woke up to my body pleading with me not to get out of bed and to go back to sleep. I really don’t sleep in anymore I’m awake pretty much at 7am. This morning I threw open the French doors that are off the back of my bedroom and had deep gratitude for the beautiful birch tree in the back garden and the color of the morning beach light. I could hear the dew dripping off the roof of the house onto the deck in a sweet song of droplets.

I have not been this tired in a long time. I try to do too much and I have a hard time with taming my desire to leave a legacy of peace. Lots of things are coming fast and quick and I see that I need to cocoon and just let things sink in. I have not made time for my meditation practice…. I have been in contemplation a lot. I suppose this is not a bad place to be and in reality I’m exactly where I need to be. I have found for myself that contemplation brings me much closer to love and compassion. It’s a process that requires a lot of energy and I think that this might be in part why I feel a little tired. If I were to add a little more meditation into the equation then I would probably feel a little less empty. I should note that I am not completely neglecting my mediation it’s just that I have not been consistent breaking a very important rule of mediation… consistency!

Contemplation has led me to my past. It has made me look at my past actions and correct "my wrongs". Not in an atonement kind of way. I think that atonement is an unachievable value because one can not go back and just say I’m sorry and have everything go back to what it was… No, you can atone for past transgressions but know that I will never change the past. That die has been cast. I think the correction of “my wrongs” is to my thinking! Change my thoughts to higher thinking and that will be reflected back on me. This for me means not to hold on to anger or to my father and his mother but to let go and just be me for them. I cannot go back and make up for all the lost time. That is truth the time is gone and that’s ok. It’s not to dwell on it and get upset with what could have been but accept what is and move forward with that knowing that it will never be more than what it is. Let go of the ideology that family is perfect. Family is the greatest teacher of all! This is where the real pain and struggle happen and it is what you do with that lesson. I turned my back on it for about 20 years only to come to realize that yes I did not need them but THEY needed me.

I have accepted that this is my failure however it is my failure to learn from and in that respect perhaps it’s not a failure at all. Perhaps everything is exactly as it should be… From here I can grow I can move forward with awareness and know the power of my own actions. With this power I can become a wiser woman and make better choices using this experience as part of my arsenal of life experiences.

The Golden Rule has come full circle for me in this lesson. Do to others as you would want them to do to you. I know this sounds overly simple but how many of us really live by this rule? Contemplation has led me to the high road and to the thought that we don’t have to hold on to our thoughts we can choose to let them go and be free of the dogmas they create. We don’t even know that we do these things but we do. And with a swimming motion I push tamas out of the way and reach for Satva…

Never stop reaching higher.

Invisible Treadmill

2009-09-03T15:34:00.001-07:00

(Our newly painted house with a very happy garden!)

I had a very strange dream last night. I was walking on an invisible treadmill... The treadmill represented all the efforts that I put in at the center. I had to keep getting on and off of the treadmill to take care of other things like "life" I would have to return to the treadmill and try and find it by feel or looking at the air moving around the belt and jump on it while it was moving.

The treadmill represents my spiritual practice - never ending and running in perpetuity. I dive deep into Hinduism it has the appearance of a brilliantly colored kaleidoscope... One that holds my attention with rapt fascination leaving me wondering where I will end up next or what message it might deliver to me. The messages come in both plain and colorful boxes begging me to open and experience them. But it's not all in the experience. I can now see that it is just as important to observe the one experiencing. In doing this I do not feel the need to put my opinion on everything. I don't worry about good/bad, like/dislike, its all the same, kind of like vanilla and chocolate ice cream when they melt together in a dish and become mixed-up ... No longer chocolate or vanilla but just one flavor. That is how I'm starting to experience the world. Please don't misunderstand it's not that I don't still have preferences it's just that I'm not so worried about servicing them. It's a nice feeling to not be caught up in this kind of desirous thinking because it is such an energy waster and you don't realize how crazy making it is until you let go of the idea that you need to have an idea. Following this pattern of thinking "not needing to have an opinion" I have been able to chip away at my attachments. It's not as easy as it sounds because as you move one out of the way you find two or three more underneath it! Many many little ripples upon the surface of the mind.

What am I attached to? *Sigh* Life!... I can't help but want to live a long life. I don't wish for this in a "I'm afraid of dying" kind of thing but more in I want to try and plant as many positive karma seeds as I possibly can. I think that I should also admit that I think that I might be attached to my home, family, work and the little life I have eked out for us. But what does that mean? Truthfully if I can figure that out I would be able to let go of all of it in a non-attached way. I just want to say that this is not renouncing. Renouncing means to let go of ones ego not the world. I need to be be in the world but not get hung up or attached to the world... I suppose to get to this point ego needs to be renounced.

The downside is I sometimes feel a little slow when people are talking really super fast like they just can't vomit out their opinions, words and ideas quick enough. I'm left in their dust wondering why the words, opinions and ideas seem so important to them? Haha! I can't even focus on what is being said because I'm so not interested. I don't mean that in a mean way but in a removed sort of way. I have moved my mind aside and am not worried about big brain moments I just want to focus my energy on dogs,flowers,family,and of course Yoga!

Life is good.

Experiements With Truth

2009-08-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

(Peace Pilgrimage on Mt Baldy, Aug 2009)

I did a write up for a fellow blogger about integrity. It was a very interesting challenge for me because as I took the virtue apart I realized at the heart of integrity was Truth.... Not as in "I'm telling the truth" but as in the Universal Law - Truth. I started to put some very big blocks of knowledge together for myself and came to the simple realization that everything and I do mean everything in it's purest form goes back to the Universal Law. What I realized is if we fail to work everything back to Code of Universal Law then what we are left with is a form of ideology, fundamentalism or dogma. If we wipe away the latter then we are no longer identifying with the right , the left, blue state or red state, we are simply humanity... My suffering is your pain and your suffering is my pain. The moment that we cease to have this compassion for one another then we have separation also known as the dualities of Maya (hence right, left, blue, red).

What if find intriguing about the dualities of Maya is how easily they snag people into the trap of thinking in the pattern of likes and dislikes. A great example of this is people who believe that the only way to God is their point of view be it Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Hindu. It makes me think of a wonderful story told by the Dali Llama. He teaches that all religions lead to God if practiced correctly just as in all boats lead to the other side or the river and if piloted correctly. The point is to get on a boat and be happy with it. Don't taunt or throw rocks at the other boats and say they are not as superior as yours. That's not the point of being on the boat! The point of the boat is to get to the other side... But we are so quickly distracted into worrying about what is going on on the other boats! Religion's are nothing more than the vessels that transport us to the other side. If navigated correctly we get delivered safely to the other side. But if misused or misunderstood we get stuck in the water and perhaps sink and drown in our own duality. They are not meant to be weight down in our likes and dislikes.

So where has our focus on Universal Law gone? How can any of us say that we have any integrity at all when we bundle integrity up into our fundamentalism? Anytime we subscribe to "I'm this or I am that" we have just cut ourselves off from compassion. It's as simple as saying, "I'm Hindu..." The moment that I start to identify with this statements then I lose compassion for the person whom may not understand or care about Hinduism. But if I choose to look at things from the the perspective of Universal Law or the Golden Rule "Do unto others as I would have done unto me" then I'm choosing to look at the world from a point of view that ALL faiths or non faiths boil down to this simple point:

We are all the same. We just walk different paths to the same end.

Jupiter Exalted

2009-08-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

(Wild Blackberries hand picked by my son and myself up in Napa Ca. Aug 15 2009)

I have been feeling out of sorts with time lately. Time for me has been evaporating into the ether... Not understanding what has been going on I mentioned my inability to keep track of time and get things done in time to The Centers Director, Vidya Chaitanya, and she said it was because Jupiter is exalted until around December and we have less of the winds of grace to carry us along so the struggle to "do" has to be more under our own will power and determination. She pointed out how much more effort is to try and accomplish something without the energy of grace behind us. I was stunned but yet some how relieved to find this out. I don't know a lot about Vedic Astrology but I do believe in the energy of the planets just as I believe that a Full Moon brings out the worst in people. Just by simply observing traffic patterns in LA I can tell if we are in a Full Moon or not. People get real impatient and aggressive when it's a Full Moon. I slow myself down and remind myself that I don't need to get sucked into the crazy. I try and keep cars a few lengths away from me! just so I can stay ahead of the madness.

I think what has been really hard is not having time for my practice or this blog. It's like minutes and hours are just being sucked up into a vacuum never to been seen or heard from again... That minute was here just a second ago and now its gone?! What just happened.... Oh My God! There goes another one!

To help myself out with my 'time conundrum' I have started to tune into my heart center and feel existence. I know this sounds esoteric or perhaps a little strange but it is 'Here' that I feel the nectar of life. When I feel existence I don't have any thoughts or preconception of what 'is' or 'isn't'... Instead I imagine the energy that I am feeling is that energy that animates life! and every aspect of life! Planets, galaxies, star's, fish, dogs, plankton! I like to think of it as Krishna's Love. The energy is simply Krishna's Love. When I stop to feel this Love then it does not matter where I think "my time" is going. It does not matter it is gone because what I am feeling is eternal. I don't feel upset, I only feel One. So I'm not trying to chase time and force myself to get my blog completed. I have let go! I am treating this "Jupiter Exalted" situation as a surrender. I get done what I can and let go of the rest. Allow Being to just flow, there is no need for a fight or struggle its not necessary. Only Being.

If you can't fly on the winds of Grace... Then just coast until the winds pick back up!

How to Spiritually Rejuvenate Ourselves

2009-08-11T08:01:00.001-07:00

(The front garden!)

(This is post is from a guest writer Angela C. it is a great share! There is a brief bio at the end of this blog about her, Peace love and blessings humble readers!)

When I became interested in spiritual growth, I pushed myself in all areas of my life: financial, social, spiritual, health, career/work, etc. I discovered my purpose in life, developed some goals I was passionate about, and gained clarity in my life. During this period, I gained a lot of self confidence.

After a few months, I slowly felt subtle sensations that something was wrong. I seemed to be doing lots of busy work, but didn't feel I accomplished anything. My life became a series of reactions, rather than proactive achievements. I realized that spiritual growth is not something you do once, and that's it. It's something we need to work on on a day-to-day basis. If we don't, we can easily get caught up in the hustle and bustle of society. We lose sight of our deepest values and principles.

Here are some of my favorite ways to ensure I am always living a life of my own conscious choice every single day;

1. Journaling
Journaling is my favorite method of connecting with my spiritual side. You don't need anything fancy like a blog. You can simply open up Notepad and type whatever comes to mind. Don't worry about grammar, or spelling, just keep writing! And there are no hard rules. If you feel the need to simply list a bunch of things that you need to do, list them. If you want to write down a person's name over and over, do so. If you want to scribble and draw something, do so.

If you have a major problem that you keep worrying about, write about it! Even if you can't take action in it, you will be at peace with yourself if you consciously acknowledge it's a problem, and that you need to either take steps to solve it, or consciously accept it. That's more comforting than simply deluding yourself and ignoring the problem.

Journaling can be an amazing problem solver. I often find when I start writing about my anxieties, the solutions to my problems just come sponateously.

2. Meditation
I don't do any formal meditation. In fact, all I do is simply sit in my couch with my eyes closed, and breathe in and out. I sometimes repeat a mantra such as "We are here to shine, not whine", or "I'm here to cultivate greatness". I also silently remind myself of my purpose in my life, which consists of just 4 brief sentences.

You don't have to chant or say anything if you don't want to. In fact you can just sit in a room with silence. I highly recommend allocating at least 15 minutes everyday sitting in a quiet room with silence, and let your mind be quiet. If your mind keeps thinking about something, don't force yourself to be quiet, just observe it like a pebble floating down a river. If you're really stressed, I suggest repeating certain peaceful words such as "tranquility".

If you can't find any quiet time at all, simply practice being in the moment in your daily activities. When you're washing the dishes, focus only on washing the dishes. If you're commuting, focus only on the commute, and on the other commuters around you.

3. Taking Long Walks
Whenever I'm stressed out, taking a long walk often calms my mind and restores it to inner peace. Even walking in the busy, crowded streets of the city can be a stress-relieving experience. I love to people watch! Often when I am loaded with busy work, I take time in the middle of the day to just walk for a few minutes and observe the people, the buildings, the sky, the trees, and everything around me. It helps keep me in perspective, and reminds me that the world doesn't revolve around me, or my work. There are lots of things to experience in this world - constantly worrying about my problems is just silly!

3. Goal Reminders
As much as I am passionate about my goals, I definitely need to remind myself of them every single day. I often do this during my meditation sessions as soon as I wake up.

I also have a scrapbook that I carry around that contains pictures related to my goals. For instance, one of my goals is to travel to Iguazu Falls, Brazil, so I put a picture of the awesome Iguazu Falls in it. My scrapbook also contains pictures of my dream house, a couple dancing, the streets of Japan, and the beaches of Hawaii. Everytime I have a desire I really want to connect with, I try to find a picture related to my desire, and just put it in the scrapbook. I try not limit myself, and don't worry if it looks silly or not. If you really want it, put it there! Look at your scrapbook everyday, and visualize all of these things happening in the future.

Of course, it doesn't have to be a scrapbook. You can be creative. You can have a digital photo frame, which photos related to your goals. Or you can design a desktop wallpaper with pictures of your goals. You can have a Flickr collection devoted to your goals. You may even decide to print your goals out and put them around your house! The key is to make sure your goals are right in front of you. That way your daily actions are a reflection of them.

4. Connecting with Loved Ones
Sometimes it's rejuvenating simply to connect with friends and family. We are social creatures after all. If I don't hang out with a friend for more than a week, I often feel very sluggish and unmotivated. If you're working for a boss, it's often best to have lunch with a co-worker as often as possible. If you're self-employed, try to find other entrepreneurs to have coffee with during the week. While it can be good to connect with yourself through journaling, and meditating, we need to mix some social activities into our lives as well.

If you live in a new city away from friends, then make new ones! It's amazing how often we restrict ourselves to a tight group of people. Branch out, meet more people - different types of people. See what other things people are interested in, and learn other perspectives of life. It's all good.

5. Traveling and seeing the world.
Traveling is one of the things I absolutely love to do, and need to do more of. If we're always immersing ourselves in the same places and experiences, it's a great way to remain stagnant. Traveling abroad helps us learn more about ourselves, humanity, and the world. Traveling, especially to places that give us a culture shock helps broaden our perspective on life.

Even if you travel to a place like Las Vegas, you can experience spiritual growth. You can see why people are addicted to gambling, and how human nature works. You can quickly learn new truths about the nature of existance, and about yourself. It's an insightful experience.

What are some of your favorite ways to rejuvenate your spiritual side?

About Angela: Angela C. is writing a yoga book that will be coming out late next year. She is a yoga lover, personal development coach and an expert on colon cleansing and detoxing

I Know That I Don't Know And Don't Know That I Know

2009-08-07T13:02:00.000-07:00

(A collage of my front garden for the month of July! It has grown my inches since and is so inspiring for me... It is my true happiness.)

I found some really great notes that I had taken on a Vedanta lecture about the Kena Upanishads I had attended a few weeks back. Writing this up will hopefully help me to revisit the work and maybe get it all to sink in a little deeper!

Notes From Kena Upanishad Lecture:
Action and knowledge are 2 separate things. Action will not bring around knowledge. No action can bring about meditation because meditation is not an activity. In other words meditation is not a verb. We cannot MAKE ourselves realize. No one can know for me. I must ask or inquire on my own. (This for me is very powerful. It essence for me is saying that we all have our own inner voice, That beautiful little whisper that guides us along. It is up to us to LISTEN to the whisper and realize the Self within)

as long as we are caught up in what is being experienced instead of inquiring who experiences, then we will not be able to focus inward. We need to have a garage sale of "everything" and just throw it out!(I love this!! its a beautiful way of expressing the removal of ignorance or the veils that block the Sun... Have you ever contemplated why we say that the sun is not out when its just the clouds in the sky blocking its light? Its the same thing with the light within us! Its there its just blocked with all our drosses waiting to be uncovered... So yeah we just need to start throwing things out. Make room for the light!)

"Bear insult, Bear injury, Highest Sadhana!" This is the second time this past week this has come into my path! It is so perfect for me right now. I need to let go of what others think about my faith and just know that it works for me and not worry about anything else because everything else is just noise.

So who is the experience? You can not fit the unlimited into the limited... So how to become unlimited?... We must experience Vedanta on our own because there are no words for the limitless. Just as the eyes cannot look back and see ourselves. Jnana Yoga has to be direct observation- Not through an instrument! Even the mind because not even the mind can realize God it is too limited.

If I think "I know" then there is a problem. This kind of thinking can cause stagnation. I must keep awareness flexible. What do I know well? Be careful of the idea of the mind. Do I need proof that I exits? No! I exist.

Another way to look at the above is... I have a road map that shows me how to get from my house to the Center in NYC. This is clear across the country I have an idea of how to get there but I do not have direct knowledge of how to get there. So I take my map and I start out following the path it has mapped out for me. At the end of the day I can stop and look back and say Ahh! I now know about this but I still don't know about that... I know what I know and I know what I don't know!

Darkness complains that the Sun chases him away when the Sun is called darkness goes away and the Sun has no idea what darkness is! The Sun says "What Darkness?!" The Sun only know its Self!

II.3 Brahman is unknowable and can only be known through the intuition of the Atman (Soul) To know the Self is non duality because there is only oneness.
"The space inside is the same as the space outside there is only one space not separate space... Its not my space but one space. If I think I know then I am grabbing onto space." What do I mean by "Mine"?

II.4 Am I ever not me? In 3 states? Dreaming, Sleeping and Awake? Have the strength to end the soap opera. Everyday we suffer the moment we hold onto something suffering is guaranteed.

IV.4 We are used to trying to meditate! But meditation should be effortless as it is not an action.(I have finally come to this crossroad! I have stopped seeking the meditation but instead let it fall over me like a sleep. It works best when I turn my focus inward to my existence and just feel that life!)

IV.5 If you try and hold onto the idea the quicker it goes away! The ocean is in every wave. Observe really closely.

IV.6 How to worship with our limited ideas? Offer a flower to Krishna and it goes directly to Brahman. We are really offering our true Self. The Gods are agents of Brahman.

IV.7 There is nothing more to hear. Its about the depth just reflect on what has been said. We keep wanting to find more and more but where does it end? More, more, more and then what?

IV.8 Truth is the abode. Knower and doer are not friends they are strangers to each other. (I love this verse! Truth is the home... I see my Truths home being my heart)

IV.9 You know. Who is behind all "This"... Om.

I had a proverbial day from hell yesterday... It tested my faith in every way possible and made me realize how far I have to go to really be in the seat of control. Right now I am still just a child on a playground who cries when things don't go her way. Its funny there is still limits to what I am willing to let go of... and then there are things that I still find very upsetting... Hari Om ;-)

The Madness of God

2009-07-25T22:03:00.000-07:00

(I Heart Tree's This image is for my bother, You rock West!)

I had one of those fabulous Gita classes last night that left me thinking 'Really?!' The teacher of the class likes to get us to investigate the idea of "losing" our minds in the process of Self Realization it is her interpretation of the teachings of Vedanta that we must transcend the senses and the mind to really know Brahman. Hence a losing of the mind. We were asked if we were alright with that. Um yeah... No.

The teacher went on to say that maybe the mentally ill or schizophrenics would have some interesting insights on Brahman and I'm sure they do... But I'm not sure that I really need to go crazy to find out.

Anyway, back to the classroom discussion. I told the teacher that I was under the impression that the mentally ill cannot work off their karma's and therefore cannot self realize... she responded by saying "who's judging"... I said, "perhaps". Then another girl piped in and said that her friends son was mentally ill but was transcending.... She went on to say that our reaction to the mentally ill is to medicate them and lock them away.

Meanwhile:

I'm trying really hard not to get pissed-off with the ignorance of the conversation. I closed my eyes said my mantra and just let it wash over me. Something told me not to make the conversation about me or my experiences.

I have been very candid about my families history with schizophrenia on this blog. My father took his life when he went off his meds in a very ugly suicide. My brother is doing great on his meds and has the zoo in his head under control!

From my experience...Schizophrenia does not make you close to God nor do I think for one bleeping moment that we need to go crazy to realize God. I can double check this with my brother but I pretty sure he would laugh about the above conversation. I pray that he not be insulted by it. My brother is very spiritual but he does not have an open door to God.

So enough already. Lately I feel like that I have been surrounded with some very challenging situations. With God's grace I manage to pull myself back to the center. I know my brother is a happy man while on his meds. No he is not "locked-up" he has his own apartment my mom takes him shopping once a week. He by all standards is highly functioning... He teaches art classes and paints regularly... He rides his bike everywhere...He is an amazing Wichan Priest. I have him read all my Omens and dreams...He is genius....He has far more courage than I do...And he is schizophrenic. When the Zoo takes over his mind he wants to hurt himself. It's that simple.

I don't find any of this fun or funny to talk about. I don't like the glib attitude of lets lose our minds and self realize. There are some very ill people in this world that would love to experience silence and a balance of the mind.

I should have asked the room do you really think God gave us a rational mind just so we could lose it and wander around like the poor ranting bag lady on the corner to realize him??!!! Shut up with that silliness!

Eating Crazy

2009-07-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

(I have been playing with Picassa to help distract my thoughts to something higher... Im having fun making collages, My shadow as seen by Picassa)

I have way too much thinking going on today! Ha! I need to give my brain a break. I have been listening to Kirtan(Krishna Das!!) to try and snap myself out of my malaise. My energy is very low I think it is because of a sinus infection. I slept over 10 hours last night and woke up feeling like I could just lie in bed all day long. I feel very emotional and susceptible to my own negative thoughts. I find my mind wandering off to old conversations, my thoughts leave me wanting to correct... More introspection.

There is one thing that I feel I need to stick my big nose into and that is a conversation that I had with my sister about my dads mother. My sister told me that my grandmother had said that she was angry with my sister for letting me and my other sister come to my dad's funeral.... (I know! Truth IS better than fiction.) As a result my grandmother was miffed at my sister and they did not speak to each other for nearly 9 years. Seriously! Now that Grandpa has passed she and my sister have started talking again. I am happy for my little sister. My grandmother has gone on to tell my little sister how she likes her the best because she is tender hearted and the other two of us were just "whatever". Ha! This has made my little sister feel very stuck in the middle. My sister told my mother of the conversation with Crazy Lady Granny. My mom was so upset that she did not sleep that night. My mom calls me the next day and tells me that she is sooo sorry about my grandmother(who by the way is of no relation to my mother but they were related by marrage)and that had she known that my grandmother was playing favorites us kids would have never been allowed to visit with her. My poor mother! I told her not to beat herself up about it. Just let it go. Of course this is always easier said than done...

My question to my dear grandmother(sarcasm!) is since when is my younger sister responsible for MY actions? What can of crazy is my grandmother eating out of anyway? Because I want to make sure that I avoid it like the plague! Who is this woman and how did I end up being related to her?! Again, I know I need to be grateful for the lesson, but just for a moment I would like to be pissed-off about my grandmothers horrible behavior and I know this is such a horrible waste of energy on my part. I'm mad at myself for indulging my negative thoughts towards this clearly crazy woman... Ugh! Part of me really wants to ask her, Why? I know deep down there is not an answer on God's green earth that can justify her narrow minded pettiness. But, I'm on a roll and I think that I might have to fire off another letter to Crazy Lady Granny and just torch the damn bridge once and for all... Sometimes we have to destroy the old to make way for new growth! :-D. I'm feeling it like Christopher Walkens fever for more cowbell! Anyone got a flame thrower?

Guru Tattva

2009-07-22T12:15:00.000-07:00

(Playing with my cellphone camera capturing my own shadow playing in the surf July 19 2009 , Redondo Beach Ca.)

I had a very vivid dream early this morning. One of those very deep sleep dreams that fixes everything that feels broken in me. In this dream as in most of my dreams I am alone. But not in a “poor me! I’m all alone” it’s just my perceptions are my own so I see myself on my own… as in I can only perceive myself. I am not a part of anything but free, unattached often without form.

I was at a workshop of some kind. Kind of like part ashram, part center and it was being held right in the same complex that my Father and his Mother (aka my Grandmother on the hill) were living at. (FYI: the Yoga Farm Ashram is in Grass Valley… My Dad is buried in Pike… just up the road)

I went to visit them and asked my grandmother if I could see my Dad. She stuttered on her words because she wanted to say no but managed to say “let me check with your Dad to see if he wants to see you.” I was not worried about her reaction. I watched her mouth as she spoke. I was trying to feel where her emotion was coming from. She had fear and a loathing of me for some reason I am her scape goat.
I was not fazed by her actions. I remember thinking that of course my Dad wants to see me and she would have to deal with the fact that my Dad does not play her game.
I found my Dad in the back of a very tidy loft style apartment… It was the area of the apartment that he lived in. He was making his bed that was covered in all white sheets and comforter …very tidy. He looked so happy. His face was relaxed and calm… Not the way he died I’m sure! My poor Dad always looked like he was trying to make a diamond! Bless, His poor brow was permanently knitted and he had the deepest butt mark between his eyebrows! So girls, never ,never, never, frown unless you want a butt mark!

I remember taking my Dad to the workshop that I had been attending and it was like back to school night. But he did not make any cruel comments like he normally would have… No, he seemed pleased and accepting. It was as if my Dad had been cured of his madness and died a happy man. I remember feeling very relieved that he had found happiness and was able to experience it. I suppose on some level I worry that my Dad never really knew the true meaning of life. As I start to experience meaning for myself I can’t help but wonder what his last moments of life were like… Perhaps sheer bliss as he had decided his fate? I suppose this is good… on some level.

So what does this all mean? Why my father and grandmother? I think that my dream is reminding me that we all have the potential to knit our brow, frown and hold onto our tiny sliver of what we perceive to be truth. To have real peace and happiness is to let go of all of that and just accept everything is as it should be and it’s perfect! Even when it feels all wrong have the wisdom to know that it is not wrong but only a value we are assigning to the event or emotion. It is only how we are choosing to perceive it. Also remember everything is teacher! I mean everything from the microcosm to the macrocosm and beyond. Teacher is not just restricted to the Robe. Teacher and lesson is in every breath I take.

I should be without judgment and be with real love, compassion, and devotion. This is what I felt in my dream… my Dad and I were the same person even though we are 2 individuals… I suppose I can say that I touched non-duality in this dream. I felt him and he felt me and there were no words that needed to be said. Wow! I reached the end of words. How about that! Never in this life time did I think that I would end up here. And I have my crazy Dad to Thank for this lesson! Om Dear Father, Thank You~ My you have Peace, Love, Blessings xx.

Insight

2009-07-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

(This would be me and my shadow... Playing in the Ocean this past weekend!)

Insights have been coming to me in very fun ways. Today I went out into my humble front garden and picked lettuce, basil, strawberries, and tomatoes for a salad. While on the way to work I realized that I did not have lemon to make a salad dressing and I thought to myself no worries something will be provided and I let go of the thought. Again while I was at the layback for a show (Layback = putting final sound to final picture) at the Audio house I thought to myself I might want to grab one of the client oranges (as I am the client) to make an orange dressing for my salad. As I was leaving the Audio House parking lot I realized that I had forgot the orange! But then I got a flash not to worry because there would be lemons at the office.... OK?!. I don't think about the insight until now as it is lunch and I'm getting ready to eat! I head back to the kitchen to throw my salad together and what is setting back there on the kitchen counter.... A large plate of lemons! Ha! How wonderful that I knew this... Crazy!

Last week while up in Napa my little pocket sized Granny (She's only 4 foot 11) ended up in the hospital with a nasty case of vertigo. I was at the house with my mom and we were talking about getting dinner ready. I'm looking for a large bowl to make pasta salad in and as I'm reaching for the bowl I got a flash that we needed to go to the hospital. I looked over at my mom and I didn't tell her that I had a flash but I simply said mom we need to go to the hospital now because I think they are going to be reading Granny's MRI soon and I want to be there for the reading. My mom said "do you think so?" I responded with a firm "yes, we need to go now."
We round up my Pops (who will be 89 next month! but acts 70) and headed back over to the hospital for like the 3rd time that day. Granny was awake but not able to move her head to quickly. I let her nurse know that we were there for the MRI reading and she said as soon as it came in she would call the doctor. My Aunt calls who works at the hospital and I let her know that we are there for th MRI reading. She says "Oh that won't happen tonight! They are probably backed up and won't get it out until Monday" (Clearly, My aunt did not get the insight telegram! Haha). I'm not too worried about her opinion and I tell her that we will wait for the doctor. She had more to say about that but I'm going to spare you the details.

Not more than 15 minutes later the nurse comes in and tells my Granny the results are in and it is confirmed that she does have a BRAIN! We all bust out laughing! The nurse then tells us that the doctor has given her the all clear to go home the MRI has come back negative for stroke or brain tumor;-).
and with that Granny was discharged, it was 6pm and we had only arrived at the hospital at 5:30pm.

I know these are just simple day to day things but this is how life comes to me. I have gotten to the point that I can now listen to the Whisper and not question it. I wish that I could say that it is more but I really don't think that it is anything hocus pocus. I want to believe as I surrender, the more "open" and available my True Nature or Self becomes and I know the answers or the correct path. I still have freewill! I can choose not to listen and turn around and grab the orange that I don't need or eat dinner and miss Granny's MRI reading. But if I want to be AWARE and moving in the right direction then there is certain actions that should be taken with as few steps as possible.

I'll try and keep track if other things as they come to me and share them with. Try the experiment on yourself start listening to the whisper in yourself and see where it guides you. Let me know what happens!

Kena Upanishad

2009-07-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

It has been a blessing to sit in on 2 lectures about the Kena Upanishad this weekend. I'm not a huge fan of Jnana Yoga but I realize that I need to take the leap and start the process of Self inquiry. We were given an interesting task as homework: "could we act and observe at the same time?" We were asked to apply this to any action. Out in my front garden today I was pulling weeds and observing the new growth on all the plants I started to wonder if observing the plants was in itself an action? And I started to get confused about the Self watching the Self. I can't watch myself because I cannot stand on my own shoulders and observe myself because I am that or so the logic goes.

Here is a Koan from the Kena Upanishad:

II-2. I think not I know Brahman rightly, nor do I think It is Unknown. I know (and I do not know also). He among us who knows that knows It (Brahman); not that It is not known nor that It is known.

Translated:

I know that I do not know, I do not know that I know.

Yes! The koan is meant to break the mind. What a funny concept... to break the mind. I'm not sure what this means to "break the mind" but in my limited experience I think that it is a shedding of the skin. As we grow spiritually and get to a point that we are no longer distracted by the outside world or maybe while meditating we realize that the heater kicked on at some point but we do not have a reference or an awareness of when it came on... Perhaps its no longer needing to affiliate with a political party because it no longer matters. I think the breaking of the mind is like that. It's a letting go of things as we no longer have a need for them. Maybe like having the training wheels removed from your bike! But I know now that I don't know and my mind rebels at the idea of having to practice introspection. Ha! I suppose that is a good enough reason to keep going. Om Om.

Napa

2009-07-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

(Dipping the toesies into the Yoga Farm Pond! I was hoping for a free pedicure by the fish but they were not interested... Meh.)

It has been a long week of traveling. I headed up to Northern California for a quick visit a week ago today stopping first at the Yoga Farm for a much needed charge of energy. It worked! How I love to go there and let the world fall away. To take the time to tune into the contented whisper of my heart. My mind slows down, my heart slows down and my breath slows down. I feel whole... I could wrap my arms around the world and give it a big hug and tell it that everything is going to be OK. I managed to keep this connection through my visit to Napa.

Napa was wonderful. I need to go home more. I don't know my home town anymore. It has a very strange karma about it that I have not been able to put my finger on. It's kind of lost it's Mayberry quality and become a suburb to "The New Rich". The tackiness and tired attitude abounds. People drive around in the parking lots doing about 35mph... I don't exaggerate and I'm thinking to myself "but your trying to park your car! how do you do that by driving 35mph?!"

Some people and places remain the same in Napa and its always good to reconnect with this stability. I call it walking on tera firma. I am.... Blessed.

Highest Sadhana

2009-07-08T15:26:00.000-07:00

(Here we are! The 108 sun saluters at the Venice Beach EcoFest 2009, Vishnuprem leading and chanting, Akimi on Harmonium and Ambika keeping score. Om Shanti)

I cleaned up my letter to my grandmother and dropped it off in the mail today. I realized after much contemplation that I needed to act appropriately. How my Grandmother chooses to receive my letter is on her and her actions will be in accordance with her own Karma. Please know that my letter was worded well within the guide lines of the Yama's and Niyama's! I spoke Truth- But not if it violated Ahimsa! So in other words nothing destructive even if it meant avoiding telling the truth. I spoke as a 43 year old woman with compassion on her side and not the angry teenager hating her parents for their bitter fighting and the lines that were drawn in the sand.

After reading the very good comments left on my last post from BlissChick and ZenDotStudio I have a wonderful sense of freedom. I realized that I needed to approach my family with my truth and hopefully Gods grace. After all this is all I really have to offer. It is all any of us have to offer... at the end of the day none of the other stuff really matters. It only matters if you are not done running around and getting caught up in stuff. For me shaking the stuff off and having clear vision has helped. I can no longer say let the world be damned. I cannot let my Grandmother be damned. I can say my peace and let go.

This freedom I am feeling comes from santosha or contentment. It means to be happy with what you have and do what makes you feel content. So, yes! we need to have the awareness of what makes us feel content and stick with those kinds of actions. I have been finding santosha in the strangest places... Like watching my worm compost bin. They revolt me yet fascinate me at the same time. I have caught myself starting at the roots of weeds and thinking that all of life has roots and how beautifully randomly perfect the roots look... kind of like my brains synapses. This kind of thinking makes me feel incredibly grounded and it empowers me to come from a higher place. And of course my Yoga practice is my grounding rod... That goes without saying.

H.H Sri Swami Sivanandaji Maharaj brought the whole thing home for me with his Universal Prayer and his kind positive words-

Bear Insult, Bear Injury, Highest Sadhana

Agni's Fire

2009-07-06T15:28:00.000-07:00

( I dedicated my 108 Sun Salutations to My Grandfathers safe transition back to ONE... It was a beautiful experience!)

My minds eye has been running an endless loop of films. Films that replay my past and allow me to go back and write a new ending to my actions in events that happen in my life a long long long time ago...Changing my actions from that of a narrow sheltered teenager going through a bitter divorce to the humble yogini with all the wisdom that she posses to create a more positive out come. Sadly when the films end I am still left with the emptiness or complete lack of thought of what to say to my Grandmother... I have not spoken to her since my fathers, My grandmother's only child, suicide 9 years ago. She did not want to talk to me or my sisters and as a matter of fact she told us not to call her anymore. I let that side of my family burn up in Agni's fire that day. Never to look back... I just assumed that I would never have to consider them again.

Fast forward to my Grandfather passing 2 weeks ago and now Grandmother is on her own. I think what nags at me is making sure that I have said all that there is to say to her... But then what would I say? I mean really?! What could I possibly have to say to this woman? Faith tells me that I should never say anything negative about my father or the past... Just let the past be the past. I also keep coming back to the thought that there is too much water under the bridge. Maybe there is really nothing too say and that is OK too.

Clearly I am trying to make right in my mind all the things that are meant to be impossibly wrong. I suppose that is my true nature always trying to make sure that peace and harmony are in balance. Thank you Lord Vishnu! The impossibly wrong part of my life is were my soul benefits from the most spiritual growth. I should thank my Grandmother for being a good teacher and making our relationship impossible because it has made me have such gratitude for the possible and for those who do know how to love unconditionally.

I ask myself constantly: "What is the lesson?" I know that is were I'll find the answer.

I thought that I needed to act on my Grandmother's behalf. I found myself starting to worry about the "what if" what if she had a stroke or something of that nature and would not be able to articulate her last wishes of where and how she wished to be buried. What to do with her estate and all her belongings? My sister found out that she has all this taken care of so there was really nothing for us to help out with... Maybe we could interview home help? Set-up meals on wheels?.. But to do this would steal my Grandmother's self imposed drama. She needs to be the blind old woman sitting alone on the hill. I find it fitting that she has gone blind because the blindness also represents the ignorance that is in her heart.

I wrote her a letter a very nice one offering to be there for her but I never sent it. What changed my mind was when my younger sister called my Grandmother. My Grandmother never once mentioned that I had called or that she has just gotten off the phone with me to my sister. I then started to think back further to my dads funeral, my Grandmother and Penny (My dads second wife) acted like they did not know who I was. They walked right up to me, stared me in the face, and asked me "And who are you?". In hind sight I wish that I would have told them that I was my dads mistress just to throw them off their game and make them fall in the hole on top of my dads biodegradable casket... but that's not very yogini like behavior is it?!

I choose to surrender to the Universe and allow it to teach me yet another lesson... Perhaps this one is about just letting go of the idea that there is something to say when clearly there is not. Non-attachment strikes again leaving me holding on tight to just let go.

Transition

2009-06-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

On June 25th the world lost a lovely man... My Grandfather. They don't make men like him anymore. Once his generation is gone we will loose direct access to the stories of the Depression, WW2 and a simpler way of life. He left this world peacefully while working on his house. He loved tinkering around his 5 acres and would have it no other way. I have gratitude that he did not suffer.

I will never forget Papa's version of a fresh water fish tank for us girls was a bucket of bait fish! Minnows! Haha! His favorite song was "Country Roads" by John Denver. He would sing it out loud along with the radio or play it on his guitar. He was neurotic about making sure we ate healthy too no white bread... Oh! And he would make us the most wonderful malts with fresh homemade ice cream! Yum!

Challenge

2009-06-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

(The manor house we staryed in while visitng G.O.S England, May 2009)

I see my Universe reflecting back on me... challenging my strengths and pointing out my weaknesses.

I was challenged the other night in my Yama's and Niyamas class that I attend once a week. The conversation was about not having to travel to and from your work place. A very old and not so new topic yes, but the concept has gone a step further in the transition circle. How about you do a job that does not require travel. In other words if I want to continue to work for Disney I should leave the beach for Burbank... Right?! So.... The question about my sons education should not enter into the picture? Right now he is currently attending one of the NATIONS top 200 high schools. I think it ranks #179.

I told the group that yes, I agreed, it would be lovely to simplify my life to a short walk across the street to work or to just roll out of bed an log on to my computer and be "at work". However everything, every decision that is made in my life is for the betterment of my son. It is my Duty(Dharma)as his mother to provide him with the best education and home life I can possibly provide and for me if that means I have to commute 22 mile in my Prius then that is what it is going to be. Full stop. Once my son has left home and gone to make his way in the world then and only then can I be released from my duty(Dharma). I can then go and entertain the idea of parking an Airstream out in my grandfathers field and live in it!

How literal we can get if we don't keep the mind in balance. Values and morals are great and if we had more of them being practiced in the world then we would not be in the mess we are in. But it's a double edged sword the moral extremes are just as dangerous as the non moral extremes (just look at Iran,Iraq or the Republican party!). We must always check in with the Self and ask what is my Duty(Dharma)and what should be my correct action(Karma).

Sitting in a room full of people discussing values made me aware of how quickly a situation can veer into literal interpretations... Suddenly duality raises its 2 faced head and I find myself looking into the duality of the room that is right and I am wrong... Not very Vedanta. We must be so careful NOT to judge others and do the best we can for ourselves and answer to our own soul! I am not here to live my life to be judged by others... Nor are any of us if we are truly honest about it. Just do the best you can and let it go. (I am saying this to myself of course!)

Just when I thought it was safe another question was thrown at me. This was about one of the shows I work on being animated in India... What did I think Gandhi would think? Well, I said, I thought that he would see it as a curse and a blessing. The room thought that it was a curse...(OK)... I asked: Is it not only fair India wishes to be an I.T. super power? Who are we to deny them the right to grow and run their country as they see fit? The room felt that Gandhi would protest the change because it threatens village life. But again, who am I to judge? Who are we to judge what Gandhi thinks? Or what India's right action should be? is that my Dharma? Is it Disney's Dharma to say to India Oh! We can't work with you be cause it might offend Gandhi's vision of India?

In Disney's defence we have all our contractors/vendors bid for our shows and it is well within fair trade and practices. We are NOT in slaving any country to do our work. People bid and we choose who would be the most appropriate for the job. (But hold on I'm not out of the woods just yet!) The room comes back and says, well yes! you are sending jobs that used to be done by people here in America abroad... (Right)... Well guess what! As we have seen for over the past 100 years of the industrial age you can not dictate to companies who their vendors,employees or contractors are going to be. It's called capitalism. If you want socialism here a few countries you might want to check out...

(Shoot me in the head now....)

I now know what it is to be a worm on a razor blade. And with that, I will be very careful not to get involved in anything that requires extreme action or thinking. I will be looking at my beliefs very carefully using what I feel to be useful and letting go of the rest.

Satyam

2009-06-24T16:28:00.001-07:00

(World War I Memorial. Grange Over Sands, England May 2009)

Observing the conversation and trying not to color or judge. Seeking the Truth(Satyam) that is under the question being asked. It is not the question that is being ask that is of importance. The question is merely the cause or effect of the mind acting out. The mind is tricky and likes to shout out to the world how smart and clever it is. It's a monkey constantly looking for its peanut from the crowd. It runs around and around in countless attempts to try and trick the Self into a game of doubt in the hopes that it will be freed from the grip the Self has place on it.

But no! I have got you little monkey mind and I'm watching you! I see through the intellect and the smoke screens you throw up to try and trick me. Intuition told me you were up to no good trying to throw your ideas around like cheap parlor room games.

I have to kindly remind you with love monkey mind it's not necessary to put your idea on everything. Just see the forms but don't give them any name or further definition. You work way to hard constantly sorting and filing away for a rainy day. But the rain never comes. Silly monkey!

Truth visits with intuition... Truth has whispered a secret into her ear telling her we must never stop growing. Keep reaching with one hand for higher nature whilst pushing lower nature away with the other hand.... A swimming motion.

Truth says we can talk and intellectualize until we are blue in the face but unless we have a change of heart everything stays the same. For something to be good that means something has to be bad... Who is making the comparison? Is that you little monkey mind?

Ramble On

2009-06-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

(A Gate in Barcelona Spain, July 2007)

Wiping the sleep from my eyes... trying to finish my coffee... Right action today is to go out into the garden and pull grass that has grown back, move dirt, plant, mulch and start seed. I made a deal with myself this week if I ran during my lunch breaks I could work in the garden all weekend. It worked!

Yoga and Satsang later tonight. Feeling a very high vibration! Durga Ma!

Happy Father's day dear husband! Thank you for planting and helping me grow the seed that is our lovely young man.

Time to Ramble On! On my way

Listening to the Sound of Silence

2009-06-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

(I can smell this photo... it tastes of the dirt in my grandfathers back field. As a child at the end of a long summer day I would go out into the back field and dig a hole and place my hand in it to feel the warmth of the earth... the smell of the earth is Napa.
Grandma and Grandpa's house, June 2007)

Letting go of the thoughts, names and forms. Sitting in stillness listening to the sound of silence. Moving towards the heart. Watching the volunteer tomato plants in the garden. Using them as a thermometer of when they want to grow not when I want them to grow. Watching nature provide. Having a good run, yoga class, and Gita session to feel completed.

Time to dig in the dirt plant excited see what grows. Prostrating before the Universe to empty lower nature and asking Kali (Time) to provide me with grace... Help me to shed the veils that cover my eyes that keep me from seeing truth as in it's purest form.

Letting go of the thoughts, names and forms. Sitting in stillness listening to the sound of silence... Shhh.

Today

2009-06-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

(This is a road that I have known all my life. It is the road that leads me home. I pray to Durga that my karma will always allow me to travel it as it has acted as an anchor for all my 43 years on this plane of existence.

Leaving Grandmas House, Napa Ca, July 2006)

Today the Universe suggested to me that I ask, "Who am I?"...

If I lose a piece of my body... say a finger, hand, arm or leg do I cease to exist? No, "I" still exist. This means I am not that finger, hand, arm or leg... I am not this body... So then "Who am I?". What is the definition of myself? I must be more than roles that I play... Who is this "I"?

Self inquiry is a process that I am not sure that I am ready for but through dogged determination I will seek Truth. It feels so right to turn and seek higher truth. I have let go of all the "stuff" that weighs me down and now I am left asking "Who am I?".

I think that this is not an exersise in the intellect but perhaps a letting go of the mind a shift of focus to the heart. That is where true home is.

Emotions In Check

2009-06-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

(The clouds are a picture I took in Manchester England, June 2007)

Today has been an easy day as a matter of fact this whole week has been pretty easy. I feel powered by an outside energy source that allows me to glide through the days with out getting stuck or hung up on anything including leaving my 16 year old son home alone with a girl. Yeah, what is going on in my head? I would like to know;-)

Letting go... watching butterflies... knowing that my actions are taking me up. When I look down I see that it is all nothing but good, when I look up I see that it is all nothing but good!

Well it's 2:30 and I have a list that I'm working through... so it's back to work for me.

Inner Attitude

2009-06-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

(My Grandfather hands, Napa Ca, July 2006? He was asleep in his chair and did not know I snapped this photo)

I have gratitude for my teacher this morning... Last night we were talking about work and I told her that it was driving me a little crazy. She said, "you need to take responsibility for that feeling." How often do you hear that in your day! I woke this morning knowing that I need to focus on the things that count not the little thing that can suck energy, life and well quite frankly drive us crazy.

I mentioned that in the process of removing conditioning I had found even more conditioning under the conditioning that I had just removed! Subtle and endless. My teacher told me that it was ignorance. Yes! yes it was and is. She uses the term ignorance in a lack of knowledge sort of way. I was being naive to think that once I got a few conditions removed that I could clear a path for Self Realization. The conditions are endless, subtle and always vibrating beneath the surface of the mind.

What are conditions? Well, for me they are anything I use to define myself with like... I am a yogini, I am a liberal Democrat or I am a mother, a wife,... The list is endless. Removing them is not a denial of the duty or a love of the role it is just allowing yourself to be "free" of the box. It is to say "but wait I am even more that just these roles that I play in my life"... I am... what? remove the conditioning and find knowledge, bliss, and the absolute. ONE. Once we see underneath all the difference we discover that it is all one. Another way I look at it is to ask myself what religion is God? What religion is Karma? They don't have one. They because it is Universal Law or ONE. When we take it back to ONE we can then see that there is only the human race living on a small planet in a vast Universe. Where is there time for differences? Where is there time for entitlement? There isn't. Until we can put down the conditioning we shall always be veiled and never see the underlying truth of ONE. There will only be duality and the disruption that it creates.

the illusions of prakriti

2009-06-09T11:45:00.000-07:00

(Janaki and home alter)

I have started a amateur photo blog! It's life seen through the lens of my cell phone camera and my little Olympus FE-310....( Can I really blog about my blog!) Ha! I suppose so. the illusion of prakriti is my fun collection of photos that I want to throw out into the ether.

My thought is that I would take advantage of another form of expression as words seem to be on the wane for me. I thought this new blog would help save me the groping around for something that is not there. I will continue to post here on The Humble Yogini, but not daily! I will only post when it is in my heart... not the ego.

I really need to retreat back into my sadhana and work to greater understanding of the Self. I sometimes feel that "this" keeps my ego too intact. My egos nature is always seeking results and affirmation. As I have become aware of this I must step back and just report. Something has shifted and it's as if I am searching for original thought(?).

I continue to peel away more of the veils... I hope to find the virtues of my Ishtadeva...

I desperately want to feel creative again... Hmm. There has to be a letting go;-)

If it is to be, it will be.

Om Peace.

Intrepid Yogic Explorer's

2009-06-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

(VishnuPrem helping student with leg variations in headstand.)

(VishnuPrem teaching how to use headstand as a opportunity for hip openers)

Attending a 3 hour asana class this past Saturday instructed by the most humble of yogis, VishnuPrem... his teachings linger in my mind. He suggests that we focus on the breath, that we observe and count the inhalation and the exhalation. 5 count inhale, 10 count exhale. In doing this we turn inward and observe the breath. How many breaths do we take a minute? In the above case it would be 4 per minute. To me this is a beautiful part of the asana. I melt into my mat, my gross form is putty and bends and flexes in wonderful freeing movements.

In following the breath the suggestion was to get to a zero point or a suspension of the breath. Zero point is NOT a holding of the breath but a slowing down of the bodily functions to the point that breath is not required. Suspension is.... a point in consciousness that the material or gross cease to exist. It's beyond verbs and adjectives. It is existence.

I love VishnuPrems classes for the lightness, exploration, and education! We the students become explorer's of our own practice at his encouragement and guidance. We are encouraged to really feel the pose and what is going on internally with it. The above hip openers are a good example! We are encouraged to helicopter our legs in headstand to open up the hip joints! Ha! Good fun! As you can tell it's a class without ego. We laugh, discover, and have a great time. 3 hours fly by and we are still wanting more.

VisnuPrem is a direct disciple of Sw.Vishnu-Devananda and teaches a 3 hour asana class the first weekend of the month at Sivananda LA as part of the Sadhana Sunday program. Please feel free to drop in and follow the breath. As always please check the Sivananda LA website for times and dates;-) Peace, Love, and Blessings!

Faith Not Fear

2009-06-06T09:47:00.001-07:00

I took this a few years ago with my cell phone. I love that this sign has been up since the 40's. It's is SF tenderloin and to me represents a fading facade of the city that is under constant gentrification.

I want to have the courage to follow my dharma to stick to it through hard times as well as the good times. I will accept my karma and do the best I can.

Faith is my Grace. Grace is Divine.

The Secret of Happiness

2009-06-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

"Meditation is an experience that cannot be described, just as colors cannot be described to a blind man." - Swami Vishnu-devananda

"The Happiness we are all aspiring for is not a fleeting temporary happiness that leaves us empty afterwards. It is the lasting happiness of our inner spirit, of our heart and soul. The secret to attain this happiness is in the teaching of selflessness of Karma Yoga, in the teachings of Yamas and Niyamas of Raja Yoga, in the teachings of seeing God in others as in Bhakti Yoga and the Vedantic teaching of seeing the Self in others.

Karma Yoga teaches that our circumstances in life are inherent to our lessons for liberation, that nothing is by accident, therefore every person we meet is our opportunity for learning our karmic lessons. Our wrong karmic tendencies are based on our selfishness and lack of right thinking about who we really are, and our real relationship with others, the universe and the supreme. Thus we created suffering for others and ourselves. If we are experiencing suffering in the present, it is a consequence of our wrong actions in the past and at the same time it is a reminder to do it right in the present. Thus we need to have the presence of mind and the courage to return good for bad, to transcend our likes and dislikes, and to always do positive actions, in thought, word and deed. We also can learn to amend our mistakes, to pray and to sort out our situations the best we can, giving up the results and the expectations about the outcome. We need to know that this situation is coming from the past and will have a good effect in the future once we are aware of our actions and not function only out of emotional reactions. Thus we are "working out" our karmas and paving the way to our peace of mind and ultimate happiness.

The teaching about karma states also that the key to happiness is to take care of the happiness of others as it is for ourselves. This is the secret: live our life in such a way to make other people happy. This way we assure our happiness. Even if the relationship will not last for whatever reason, our duty is to be selfless. Detachment comes with selflessness. Attachment comes with selfishness. Detachment comes from abiding in the Truth of who we are, and being free from preconceived ideas and expectations. The way to assure your happiness is to be a karma yogi - free and open, welcoming all situations as opportunities of service.

The ethical teaching of Yamas and Niyamas adds to this by saying that we should refrain from doing violence (ahimsa) and base our actions on respect for others. We also need to be truthful and sincere, control our sensual and sexual desires, control our tendencies to take, to steal and to accumulate. The Niyamas give us the injunction to be pure in body and mind, to practice contentment, to do austerity and lead a simple life, as well as to remind ourselves of the Truth by constant study of scriptures and by surrendering our ego to pursue our path to wholeness and to true happiness." - Swami Sita

As I struggle to find my balance in my changing times I find myself turning back to my faith and the Yamas and Niyamas... A simple life is my desire but not a boon(wish) that is always granted. How complicated things have become in my household with job loss, rising credit card and mortgages rates, falling property values, trying to get my son ready for college... And just trying to live a yogic life. I remind myself that it is all k-a-r-m-a. Just learn the lesson and move on. Why does it have to seem so difficult sometimes?! Ha-ha!

Funny that I should open my email to find the above message from the lovely Swami Sita. As it resonated loudly with me I thought that it only fair that I share her beautiful words;-) I hope that they soothe your soul as they have done mine.

Yoga & Permaculture: Why The Two Go Together

2009-06-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

This is a lovely photostory narrated by Vidya Chaitanya about the relationship between yoga and permaculture.

Vidya is the Director of Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Center Los Angeles as well as my spiritual teacher. She runs 2 permaculture gardens. One is located at The Learning Garden in Venice Beach Ca. and the other is the front garden of her home. She is about to kick off a 3rd garden at the Center that will take over 2 car parking spots as a demonstration of what the world would look like without cars... and their side effects, concrete and asphalt.

I can only aspire to reach the heights of this humble womans selfless service. I hope you enjoy her message.

Peace, Love, and Blessings;-))

Uncharted Gita:: Understanding Prakriti or Nature

2009-05-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

This pic is one I took at the Manor House we stayed at in the North of England in a small village called Grange Over Sands It is where my husbands family live.

We are starting to get into some heavy stuff in the Gita! It has taken us a year and a half to get to chapter 7. Chapter 7 is diving into a different aspect of Vedanata... It's similar to the first 6 chapters but yet subtly different.

Last nights class was very hard to get my head around. And I worry that it can have my mind tied up in knots. My resolve is to not let what others say or think affect my thinking. I have to figure it out on my own be it right or wrong. That's the whole point of the task...

The last class I attend was about trying to see the light or "God" in everyone. We jumped into the 2 aspects of Brahman which are prakriti and purusha. To explain the aspects we used this analogy "It is the nature of Brahman/God to manifest and unmanifest -There is no question 'Why?' That is like asking why does the sun shine? Because it is it's nature!

Last nights class went a little deeper and I'll try and explain the best I can...

We jumped into the meaning of Prakriti or Nature, a better way to look at it is everything in the manifest Universe including ourselves... or at least the body, mind, intellect, and ego are all prakriti.

Here comes the very interesting part:

Krishna says to Arjuna: The 3 gunas (The imbalance of qualities that make up the manifest universe Satva, Raja, Tamas) they are in me, yet I am not in them...
My head cracked open at this point because just a few paragraphs up we are trying to cultivate seeing Brahaman in everything. What just happened?!

It's simple and deceptive!

Don't look to worldly goods as the way to Brahman. As one purifies the mind we will experience Brahman in everyone and everything. The key is to not seek Brahman IN these things. Why the delusion? The Gunas! The Gunas cause the delusion that we call Maya and we are all playing the game of illusion. (I like to think of illusion as a game of Shoots and Ladders)

Another way to look at it is: A mirror does not have the image IT projects inside it. Brahman is not limited- But is the cause of name and form! You will not find Brahman in IT! Another example is: The Sun is the cause of the sunshine but you will not find the sun in the sunshine. Brahaman just simply reflects everything around. If we could find Brahman or God in ourselves it would be limited. Instead we need to consider that we are part of Brahman. We are in Brahman. We are Brahman. And as we peel way the layers or veils with the process of purification(Mediation, Yoga, correct diet, exercise, and rest) we begin to experience that we are everything and everything IS Brahman.

Still with me? If not don't worry! My brain broke last night. I really needed to blog this so I could try and understand the concepts of the philosophy deeper.

I think the key is to not look for Brahman/God IN things but just know that it IS all Brahman/God including ourselves.

Whew! I need to do some gardening!

Television Animation's Transition

2009-05-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

Wow! It has been 4 days since we have returned from England and I'm finally getting around to writing. Let me just say for the record that England was a raging success! We had the wonderful long days and record warm weather and all the family and friends that we could fit into one week. It was a heart breaker to come back to LA's pea soup June gloom. But here I am back to the comforting routine that I know as my LA life. I have pictures posted to my facebook page if you would like to see our trip.

What has inspired me today is my wonderful office over here at Sonora... (That's what we call our annexed TVA compound "Sonora".) For clarification we also have an even larger office over on the studio lot. It has come to the attention of the operations manager at the studio lot of our efforts over here at Sonora to eliminate the use of paper and plastic products in our lunch rooms. They took a tour yesterday of our kitchens and were very impressed with what we had done that they are going to mandate it for the TVA Studio office! They are considering that new hires get a coffee mug and maybe even a plate and silverware as part of their hire package!!! This makes my heart soar with joy! All this from my little thrift store experiment.

The office manager here at Sonora was kind enough to tell them that I spear headed the project. I thought this to be very humble and kind on his part but not necessary as I view my actions as karmic. I am happy for the fruits but I do not seek the fruits;-)Karma Yoga.

Today I brought in 12 blue lake green bean plants that I started from seed and placed them in the kitchen... Thinking I would have leftovers to take to the center I was stunned when I checked back this afternoon after my online session to see that ALL the plants were gone and in the green beans place were multiple cans of Grace Rare Tea with a note that said: "take which ever tea tin you would like."

Transition will happen because people deep down really do want to do the right thing. I feel that I have to be willing to let go of the ideal's of transition and just let transition happen organically and let it surprise me and wrap myself in the small joy's that simple kind actions create.

Tea and Biscuits

2009-05-21T00:07:00.001-07:00

We have arrived in the Lake District. God its beautiful here! I completely understand how and why Beatrix Potter left London for this beautiful lush quiescently English countryside. The Husband and I are staying in an Edwardian Estate that is giving me a Queen Victoria moment. I just wish that I would have brought a costume because I would be parading around the Estate grounds in a big hoop skirt and coarsest acting like a Lady! This place is amazing. The down side is the noisy Opies(Old Age pensioners) upstairs. I can't figure out what the heck the are doing but its loud whatever its is!

We had my mother in-laws famous cauliflower and cheese with brown whole grain bread for dinner it was worth the 17 hour trip! Vernon opened up the rijoca reserve that we brought back from Spain over 2 years ago…. Sweeeet! It was so friggin good that it made the indulgence just that- indulgent! It's now nearly 9pm and the sun is just starting to set… lovely. I have taken loads of pictures and plan to take loads more tomorrow and Thursday. The grounds here are England showing off! There is even an organic veg garden that is used by the estate restaurant. I would love to have a plot that size along with the green house.

It looks like I might get into the Transition Conference in London. I'll at least go on Saturday. The Chelsea Flower show is on and that got me thinking about flower seeds and upon some research I found out that I can bring in certified seeds into the states! I was really excited to find this out and look forward to finding some good legal flower seeds in London! They need to be marked for export. Lets see what kind of task this becomes!

Everything else has been tea and biscuits, sunshine and showers! and loads of flowers. Not long now and we will be home.

Earth Quake!

2009-05-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

One dog ran under the table... The other dog slept through it. The husband did not even get off the bed. My son and I made it out the front door before the shaking stopped! It was a hard hitting straight up and down motion that felt like a locomotive rolling under the house. A 5.0 with the epicenter only 4 miles from our house.

I felt an after shock that was more of a side to side swaying motion. Other than that there is no damage to report other than a few jangled nerves.

Tomorrow we leave for London for a week. It is a time for family and friends that I have not seen in 2 years. I'm trying to get into the Transition Town Conference in London. At this time I'm on the wait list. I'll pay a visit to Sivanada Yoga Vedanta Center in London and this I am really looking forward too!

Om, Shanti

A Fresh New Look!

2009-05-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

Welcome to The Humble Yogini! It was time for a change! I have enjoyed the blue layout theme ever since starting my blog over a year ago... I really wanted to try and freshen things up! I still plan to blog on Yogic Philosophy, anything Green, and everything in between!

So grab a cup of tea and have a read;-)

Peace, Love and Blessings,
Janaki

Honest Scrap Award

2009-05-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

I am so chuffed to have received The Honest Scrap Award from the wonderful zen blogger and artist Carole at over at Zen Dot Studio! You must check out her blog as well as her art! I have to admit that I am the proud owner of one of her pieces and I will be purchasing more!

OK! I have tagged the following folks below and should they want to play here are the rules... You must brag about receiving the award. You must name 7 blogs you find brilliant and tell 10 honest things about yourself.

I would like to pass on the Honest Scrap Award to the following:

1.Bliss Chick This blog is just amazing and has pure soul poured into it!

2.Chai and Yoga Is located in Seattle and is a great resource for yoga, nutrition, healthy cooking, and yoga in Seattle!

3.The Eco Yogini Has some really cool projects and a lot of eco friendly things to do

4.The Reluctant Ashtangi I like the commitment to the asana this blog has. It most impressive and I aspire to have this kind of relationship with my asana practice.

5.PeaceLoveYoga A lot of lovely picture and thoughts on this blog

6.Shiny Yoga I love the name of this blog comming out of Sydney Austraila and the kind thoughts on the page!

7. Tinkerbell's Tea Party you have to experience tinkerbell for yourself! A very creative woman with a lot of soul!

10 Honest things about myself... Dear god where to start! Early childhood and we'll see where we end up!

1. I stuck a pearl up my nose when I was 4 and it got stuck... Doh! My quick thinking dad plugged my other nostril and told me to blow hard and out it flew.

2. I fell down a waterfall when I was 5... We were living up in Humboldt co at the time, it was a small waterfall maybe 20 ft, When I landed at the bottom instead of going underwater I was able to stand up and because the water was only waist deep. Hahah!

3. I have a full time job as a Post Production Supervisor for Walt Disney Televison Animation... This week is my 5 year anniversary;-)

4. I lived in London for a year! I loved it.

5. I'm a movie snob! As a voting member of the British Film Academy and The Producers Guild of America I never watch or read movie reviews! I usually walk into a screening cold and let it leave it's impression on me.

6. I only knew my husband for about 6 weeks before we eloped in Las Vegas... We have been married for 18 years.

7. I love NPR radio shows like "Wait,Wait, Don't Tell Me", "This American Life", and "Radio Lab".

8. In my early 20's I saw The Ramones at least 5 times in San Francisco!

9. In my early 20's I back packed on my own through Europe... I also drank so much beer in Germany that I have never had a beer since then!

10. I found out that my 16 year old son has a girlfriend when he changed his facebook status... One of his Friends also tagged him in a photo kissing his new girlfriend...(I found out my son has broke up with said girlfriend have found out though fb.... *sigh*)

Green Yoga Practice

2009-05-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Center LA for going completely green! Their actions matches the centers lovely green exterior.

When I first went back to yoga over a year ago I knew I wanted to be involved in a studio that had a lineage that could be traced back to India. In other words I wanted to follow a traditional yogic path. I landed at the doorstep of Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Center/LA and I thought that I was there to go deeper in the pose. But instead it has led me on a fantastical journey through mediation, sadhana, positive thinking and right living by the Yama's and Niyama's. The center has taught me that simplicity is the key to bliss. I have felt this in my heart for a long time but did not have the tools to get myself there. Sivananda Green Yoga teachings have pave the way with a multitude of coping skills starting with resilience.

Resilience is one of the cornerstones in the foundation of my yoga practice. The LA centers Vidya Chaitanya has been tireless in her teachings of resilience. It is her belief that in order to carry out our karmic duties we need to create a strong sadhana practice to keep the energy flowing and keep from running into burn out by creating our yoga bubbles of resilience. Her thinking is so correct. The world has shifted for a lot of us and to be able to cope with the loss of jobs, income, and a higher cost of living we need to be able to bob along on top of the waves of change and not get hammered and drown by the waves of change. This is exactly why I work so hard on my own practice. I'm not a big fan of drowning...

Vidya's teachings are very much in keeping with the traditional Sivananda Yoga message. Our centers founder, Swami Vishnu-Devananda, an amazing traditional Hatha Yogi as well as a tireless and devout practitioner of Ahimsa, Non-violence would pilot his own plane over areas of conflict and war dropping pamphlet's and flowers from the sky promoting world peace. To me this is an amazing act of selflessness and true compassion for the world. I sincerely believe in Swamiji's message so much so that I have gone about changing the way that I see myself in the world. For instance I never gave much thought about my actions let alone my consumption of the worlds resources. But my narrow mind has been expanded and with that expansion came beautiful change in a multitude of forms. I found out that I really enjoy gardening and have a great desire to grow my own food in the middle of Los Angeles. This weekend the last of my front lawn will be torn out and the planting of my seedlings will commence upon my return from England the following weekend. If I am successful I should have an organic garden full of flowers, green beans, watermelons, tomatoes, basil, cucumbers and a host of herbs.

Waste management has also become another big topic that my family and I have made huge change in. We have started a compost pile as well as a worm compost bin. We recycle or re-use as much as possible. We have managed to get our waste down so much that we do not need to take the cans out to the street every week for the garbage collector. Sadly my neighbor, who creates sooo friggin much garbage, has figured this out and puts his own garbage in our cans and then takes them out to the street.... Cheeky Monkey@!

I think Swamiji would fully support the greening efforts of the LA Center and their message of resilience. I think change has to start with myself and then I can lead by example and perhaps cause a ripple effect of positive change... (Maybe my neighbor will wonder how it is that we don't create so much waste and rethink his own consumption. Or maybe not! Haha! That's OK too.)

Resilience has blessed me with contentment and the peace of mind to see clearly. I have come to realize that positive changes in our own lives create peace within and without and it does not have to be in the form of dropping pamphlets out of a plane...But simple actions of Ahimsa for the world around us. We have the power to do so much for ourselves... It's all about taking back control with awareness;-)

Lemonade Award

2009-05-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

This fun award was given to me by an amazing Yogini and brilliant blogger Bliss Chick! If you have not met her yet you must stop by her blog and introduce yourself.

A Lemonade Award is given to bloggers who show a positive attitude, gratitude, and a willingness to share their ideas, support and online friendship. In other words, people who make lemonade when they get lemons!

Here are the rules for the award:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 7 blogs that show great Gratitude and/or Attitude.
3. Be sure to list and link your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know they have received this award by leaving a comment on their blog.

Without futher ado here are 5 women to whom I would like to pass on this award too. in alphabetical order:

1.Babbilings

2.finding atman

3.Graceful Yoga

4.reminders2bepresent

5.ZenDotStudio

All these blogs have an amazing spirit and atitude of gratitude! I would like to thank you all of you for sharing your thoughts and words with me.

Peace Love and Blessings;-)

Yoga Bubble

2009-05-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

San Francisco from our Hotel window... Very wet and cold!

Looking back I can see that my mediations have matured into a stiller mind. Yes, my mind still wanders and churns up emotions and the memories that the emotions are attached to. But now I can just watch them… I don’t feel the need to act on them by chasing them around or letting them jump to other thoughts. If I experience anger I can allow the emotion to pass through me without wanting to dwell on it or have a pity party.

I have started to look for the spaces between my thoughts or a better way to express it is the gaps between my thoughts. I try and sit in the gap and allow the feeling of the absence of thought to permeate deep into my being. Now there is only darkness in my mind field but the feeling is of contentment and Oneness. I think that this is the path to cultivating bliss. I know that I am where I should be and its funny for the first time in my life I feel ok about things… I don’t feel that desire to pursue and achieve and want and get. No…. I’m right here.

My husband calls it my yoga bubble! Haha! He told me the other day that he is jealous of my bubble because I walk around in it unaffected by the world. Ha! That might be true but I have to say that there has been a shift for me. The other night the husband was listening to the local news and a story came on about a 3 year old boy who had been abducted in a home invasion robbery here in LA. Normally this would have kept me up all night with worry but instead I turned to the universe and I asked that this child not fear. He is now in my morning prayers and I continue to ask the universe to let this child not fear or despair. In truth I am probably telling myself not to fear or despair!

What really made me take notice was how I acted. Instead of reacting with an old well worn pattern of worry I decided to try and be constructive with my energy and send it to this child. Sadly I have no idea how the story ends... My hope is for a happy ending... And that someday this world may know the true meaning of peace.

Opportunity for Karma

2009-05-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

The photos are of a hardware store display in San Francisco we ran across in our travels this past weekend. I thought it was a kick in the pants! Gota Love the CityI have woke up to find myself in a quandary over a lovely invitation send out by The Center for a 5 week Bhakti Yoga course. I would love to be able to attend this course but the bitter truth is my husband was laid off from his job 2 weeks ago and we are in survival mode. Yes, I do work full time but my wages only cover half of our out going. We have worked out that if we are very careful with our money we should be good until December. But there is no room for me to attend workshops or yoga classes until my husband finds employment. Until then he and I have made a vow to spend as little as possible. I would love to continue to support the center and attend all their different workshops but I am simply not in a position to do so. I suppose you could say I am now among the working poor. Ha! This is OK too. I don't define it as good or bad it just is. Life will change, I will roll right along with the changes. I wonder is The Center rolling with my changes? I have expressed the situation to them yet I still get these invites?! I have even gone as far as telling them that we may no longer be in LA after December or even living in our home... If we can not afford to pay the mortgage we will have to rent it out to someone who can.

My husband and I are in good spirits about the whole thing we feel that its karma. As long as we continue to try and do the right thing the universe will provide for us. So far my husband has a small job offer in Seattle. I told him that if he wants to stay on after the 90 day probation period I would go to my company and request a transfer to Seattle. We have a long way to go before we get to this point but you can see that life is a little bumpy for us right now... So were does a Bhakti Yoga course fit in? Ha, I feel that it is something that I don't need to worry about. The Center is something that I do not even need to worry about. .. I will continue to help The Center with karma yoga(selfless service)as this IS something that I can do. Karma Yoga is very important as it is one of the ways I can start to work off some of my karmic debts. Its a great opportunity for me to still feel that I can do something without it being attached to money.

I have expectations... For some reason I thought that The Center might have a little sensitivity to the fact that I can't afford to join in all their fun. I do realize that they are seeing the world from their own perspective as I am seeing the world from mine and maybe... never shall the two meet?! This is not causing me any grief it is making me look deeper into my own soul. Why do I feel the need to think the world should work in any order? Is it because I expect a certain moral and ethic from myself that I find myself applying it to others around me? Possibly...?Hmm.

Once we are back on our feet I will be able to return to being a patron of The Center. But in the meantime I must make sacrifices for my household and know that I am doing the best I can. I suppose I have to let go of the idea of wealth and be happy with health.

Killing in the Name of :: Part 2

2009-05-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

I'm experiencing great joy in growing a garden this year in my front yard! This artichoke plant was given to me by my lovely Vidya Chaitanya. I was not sure that it was going to survive but it has proven me wrong by being one happy soul!

Finally I have an hour while waiting for my flight to San Francisco! This week has been a whirl wind of activities and now I’m off to Napa for a family wedding via San Francisco. The Boys and I thought it would be fun to have a base in the City and just visit family… Ha-ha I know we are so going to hell for that but what can I say we are true urbanites!

I have had a whole week to think about my last post. I think I have landed a few very interesting talking points. I think that I understand what my fellow Yogi meant. It’s a very old morality argument and I don’t know how I missed it the first time around!

Here is the version that I'm most familiar with and some of you might remember it’s from a M*A*S*H episode. Hawkeye is on a bus in the Korean countryside that is hiding from the enemy and there is a woman on board the bus with a sick child that will not stop crying. Hawkeye is so stressed that he thinks that it’s a chicken and he tells the woman to shut it up. The child cries and cries threatening the cover of the bus full of innocent people. Suddenly the crying stops the enemy does not discover the bus… Hawkeye turns back to the woman to find that she has suffocated her baby to save the bus full of people.

This is a very, very, very deep moral story that transcends all religious values and dogmas. It is a grueling test of humanity. So how does Ahimsa fit into this equation? It kind of goes out the window doesn't it?! Its killing in the name of survival. But my Yogi friends suggest that we should kill to continue our Karma Yoga service. I humbly disagree with this thinking. That would not be any different than killing in the name of democracy or Christianity or Islam... No that is wrong thinking in my book. I suppose the only time that I could justify killing would be in extreme situations of survival... even then it might be hard to define...

I had to go to Swamiji with my question is Ahmisa a moral dogma or a virtue to get clarity. The essence of our exchange was this: The yamas and niyamas are there as a guide. As yogis we are to know and practice them to the best of our abilities. So in other words we do the best we can and know that every action we do creates Karma! She goes on to say that all of my actions should be an offering to God thus I try to make my decisions on how I act with the highest of intention!

In the scenario above the woman did the best that she could in the situation and it is not for me to judge her actions as right or wrong. As clearly painful as they were she did what my friend suggested the snake should do and sacrificed her child for the greater whole. Yes this steps outside Ahimsa and it’s a very difficult area for me to define for myself because I have never been challenged or had the experience of this dilemma.

Another example is a plane crash in a remote mountain top and there is no food and you have to eat people who have transitioned(past away)in order to survive. OK, I can deal with this... The body is just vehicle I'm not attached to. I would hope that I too would be eaten if expired! Lots and lots of grey area!

As for the people drinking the Rattlesnake blood and eating the flesh to cure their cancer?!?… Well I’m afraid that is still a resounding “What the HELL are you thinking?” topic for me. It’s so unnecessary and desperate, I wish that we could just have an open discussion about disease and death… Both are a part of our existence on this plane. But were do we draw the line in the sand with desperation? because in the plane crash and the M*A*S*H episode are these all acts of desperation to survive? And is it not the ego doing what is should do by protecting the Self?

I spend every moment of my day trying to act with higher intention thus hopefully planting a lot of positive karma seeds that will continue to bloom long after I am gone. That is what I want my legacy to be… And if that reeks with ego well then so be it! I’m actually making good friends with my ego so I don’t see it as a big baddy.

Wow! You can tell that I have not been able to write for awhile! I suppose I will let the above just sit… I hope it’s kicked off some deep moral thinking for you too! Peace Love and Joy!

Killing in the Name of

2009-04-25T23:44:00.001-07:00

Chamomile in the front garden!

I made the dumb mistake of posting an opinion on my facebook the other day. It was about a news article of people eating Rattlesnake meat and drinking its blood to cure their cancer... Its in Mexico and American cancer patients are going there for alternative treatments.

A fellow Yogi posted to my page why he thinks that the snake killing is OK and does not fall under Ahimsa because his words:
"if you make your life karma yoga and are truly seeking to serve the whole, then sustaining your life becomes an act of sustaining service, not of sustaining "ego". in that space, if service requires you to take life, you will. perhaps the whole requires your service more than the snake's. to resist doing so in order to serve some idea or moral dogma would itself be another face of ego."

Hmmm...?!?

I want to go off in a lot of directions with this but will refrain... I was talking to my husband about it this morning and he asked why I need to have an opinion about it. I thought that was a very lovely response! I realized that truth will come when I'm ready to see it. Its easy to get distracted by someone elses point of view and get sucked dry of energy listening and trying to understand their reasoning and that is exactly what it felt like as I read through the exchange... It had the potential to run in circles.

What really jumped out at me and I do not think that it was meant to be interpreted this way but its like killing in the name of.

Is Ahimsa(non-violence in thought word and deed) a dogma?

Sacred Life Sunday:: Shanti Homa

2009-04-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

The entrance to Sivananda Yoga Farm at Thanksgiving
Sloka 113
Through temple worship, the three worlds become open to one another, and the beings within them are able to communicate. By means of the mystical arts of puja, the worlds act in concert, and prayers are received. OM

Saturday was an amazing day! I was blessed with participating in a Shanti Homa performed by our lovely Swami Guruprasad, Vedic Priest from The Sivanada Yoga Farm.

Imagine a fire pit with a beautiful Hindu design around it in the middle of a LA parking lot with about 12 people sat around it pouring ghee, black sesame seeds, and fresh slices of coconut whilst chanting in sanskrit and Swamiji doing hand gestures that would make the local gangsters blush, all while flames lick away the demons. The energy was contented bliss and very purifying indeed!

We blessed ourselves and the studio space using the 5 elements. We ask for protection for our home, families, and health... and to keep our enemies at bay in the form of prayers. We burned up our egos and worries.

It is said that Agni's sacred fire disintegrates the prayers in the physical world and reforms them in the astral world. So when a prayer is burned in a temple its astral image is received by the devas and properly dispatched and answered within the confines of our karmic pattern. So I suppose if my karma allows my prayers will be heard.

Ritual is our lives! Life is amazing! I often over look Ritual or mistake it as repetitive dross but this lovely Peace Homa reminds me to think that ritual is a time for me to connect with the Divine. It can be the simple act of making coffee in the morning or making sure that I pour my husbands cup first... I see it as an act of Divine love and selflessness! Not is a subservient way but in a simple way of sharing a deeper meaning and caring for ones needs other than my own. My way of giving back and having gratitude.

The All-Pervading One

2009-04-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

Lets just say that this past few weeks have been a struggle. I am seeing all my mistakes up close and personal... Yes, Its a little uncomfortable. I remind myself everyday to bow before my alter and empty out the dirty water and allow myself to be filled by the Universe with clean water. Strange analogy, I know, but it keeps my mind from going in circles.

I have turned back to my beautiful Lord Vishnu for guidance! I ask that my fears do not take over my mind... That I can control them and them not control me.
I have stopped looking for God out there and turned to my own heart. Sitting in front if my alter these past few weeks I have stopped asking to be filled with Divine virtue but instead have turned inward feel the Divine with in myself.

I have come to realize that there is a lot about my Lord Vishnu that I do not know or understand... I have always worshipped this name and form knowing that it is all Brahman.

I believe that there is only One God, Brahman, Soham! Brahman is beyond my mind and my humble words so to make Brahman more accessible I have the Gods, Goddesses and Demigods! Each represents divine aspects of Brahman. For instance this is why I worship Brahman in the name and form of Lord Vishnu. He represents Peace and Love in the manifest world. Lord Vishnu is my balance. When I start to feel out of sorts I turn back to these virtues and try and cultivate them within myself through contemplation and meditation. Plus Vishnu comes with some really cool attributes that are represented by his four arms that are holding the following different objects:

"Sankha, Chakra, Gada, Padma:
On one of the backhands he holds the milky white conch shell or ‘sankha’ that spreads the primordial sound of Om, and on the other a discuss or ‘chakra’ - a reminder of the cycle of time - which is also a lethal weapon that he uses against blasphemy. It is the famous Sudarshana Chakra that is seen whirling on his index finger. The other hands hold a lotus or ‘padma’, which stands for a glorious existence, and a mace or ‘gada’ that indicates punishment for indiscipline."

Lord Vishnu is the preserver he manifest as an avatar to help humanity. He is Lord Rama the perfect being and Lord Krishna the perfect statesman and teacher. It is believe that Vishnu will manifest again to save the world when the time comes.

I take great comfort in Hindu mythology. I don't feel the need to take verbatim but love the colorful stories and the deeper spiritual meaning underneath the story.

Thinking of Vishnu and the other Gods and Goddesses calms my turbulent mind and allows me to keep carring on.

There is another cool story about Vishnu's 10 avatars representing evolution! Starting from a fish to man;-) Nice.

Hari Om Tat Sat~ Janaki

Sacred Life Sunday:: Jaya Rama Krishna Hare!

2009-04-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

"Love is Divine. but Love is expressed differently and in different degrees according to the evolution of the individual human soul -SRIMAD BHAGAVATAM

Expressions of the simple joys of life, they are all around me if choose to stop and witness. Prakriti is in a constant state of imbalance producing wonderful projections.

I was genuinely touched when I went out to turn my compost pile and found that right smack on the top of the pile was a sweet little plant! What is this??! I thought to myself, so I gave it a gentel tug and out it popped. Voila! A potato plant. Joy! Thank you for this Divine Mother! It had a little root system going plus the original cutting that it manifested from. So I found a good home for it. I remembered what my grandfathers potato plot looked like from when I was a kid. I knew it needed to be mounded but I did not know why?! I went online to find out that mounding keeps the potatoes from being to close to the surface and turning green. You can't eat them if they are green!

I am so grateful for Prakriti offering me this simple opportunity to learn! It's a beautiful reminder that the spark that animates life IS working in everything! I wonder about Prakriti... The mix of Gunas that create all forms of life....

It is said in Vedanta that life is a manifestation of an imbalance of the Gunas. If the Gunas are in perfect balance or equilibrium the state is known as Prakriti, or nature quiet and formless... When the balance of the Gunas is disturbed, then the Universe is projected... I suppose simply we are a projection of the the Universe as is everything around us.
Funny how I found all of this in a potato plant in my compost pile! Om Om.

Of Pride and Ego

2009-04-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

Its Friday and I'm feeling a little spunky... Maybe even kinda spikey! I'm listening to Krishna Das's "Hari Krishna, Hari Rama" And it is making my mind feel that it can do anything... Talk about soaring in the clouds. I encourage you to listen and watch the WHOLE video. Hari Krishna! Hari Rama!

Hey! Did you folks know that I have "Hari Krishna" tattooed on my right arm and "Hari Rama" on my left arm in sanskrit? I was going to post a picture of them but thats not the point I want to make here...

There is a story to tell::

When I got my tattoo's over a year ago I was so proud of them and open to the possibilities that they represented for me. I had a funny experience with them at the holidays. I attend a weekend work shop and a Sivananda teacher asked me what they said and unless you read sanskrit you are not going to know...right... So I told them it was The Maha Mantra (India's Great Mantra)and a beautiful reminder for me every day of my duty. The teacher responded by saying well hopefully this is what you have in your heart. I was a little taken back because why??? on God's green earth would I have something tattooed on my body that was not something in felt deeply in my heart? Why the judgment from this individual?

Do you see where the teacher was going here? ... I do. Pride.
He was thinking I was behaving prideful and that it was my ego's desire. But was it not his ego judging my ego? This man was not a self realised person, he may perhaps be closer to God on the spiritual path than I am but does that give him the authority to questions my action or intentions?

But wait for it...

The following week would continue on the same Sutra(Thread).

What really knocked me off my game was a question that came up in the following weeks Raja Sutras class I attend (Both the workshop and the Sutras class are at the same center). The conversation was about students that are ambitious... And how ambition was driven by the ego. Well I thought my head was going to explode right there and then! The question to the class was "Is ambition a good thing or a bad thing?"

Here was my answer:

Ambition is good if used for a higher purpose. In other words hook it up to something greater than yourself and use it for the betterment of something other than yourself. This is a good use of ambition. A bad use of ambition is what I would call blind ambition to me this would mean to claw, scratch, cheat and steal your way to what ever your desire is. That is not an appropriate way to use ambition.

The teacher of the class was not convinced. Ambition to him was a bad attribute... REALLY?! OK how about this analogy... I have a huge plate of food, more than I would normally eat. My husband looks over and says's to me "that's ambitious"... Now he's not saying it as a bad thing but more of 'you go girl' kinda thing. So where is the bad? is it something that we see in ourselves? Because I'm not seeing it. Like I said, if you are blindly ambitious then there's a problem and I would recommend a good spiritual practice!

So what do you do if you have an ambitious student? I humbly suggest that you hook them up to the source for course (Dr. Seuss! rocks!) Get them moving in the correct direction. Don't criticize if its ego driven or not! Who cares?! At this point none of us are enlightened beings we are however human beings. Try to honour that and look to yourself for the correction if your are feeling judgemental.

Peace! Happy Spikey Friday! Hari Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Hari, Hari!

Encourage Bliss::Thursdays Bliss

2009-04-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

Look at this sweet little face in the Paris Metro! This little face has grown up to adore hockey, hate algebra... learn HTML, run a 5K with his mom and let her win!

Encourage Bliss: !
Bliss came early for me this week in the form of my 16 year old son making a fantastic hockey goal that broke up a 2-2 tie! What a beautiful jubilant moment for a non-hockey watching gal like me(That's right I'm bad mama! I don't like hockey and watch my son's games under complete duress... Bad Mama). Hockey is like watching gladiators on ice... I think that you need to really tune into the testosterone of the game. But I digress! My Son made this amazing goal that I witnessed above the goalie net. That was pretty friggin cool and worth showing up early. Did I mention that my son won't get his driver licence because he has me to drive him around?!

Anyway, I managed to contain my celebratory spirit as I was on my own and the group of really really big gals next to me were moms from the "other team" and they looked like they would to do bodily harm with no questions asked. Could you see me trying to explain that I practice Ahimsa and I can't meet in the parking lot for a rumble?! It amused me that they did not have a kind word to say about my little beach town or my sons team. But that's OK I was feeling pretty zen and not too worried that the best team would win and we did.

Well done son!(sorry for the picture... but at least its small!)

This week your victory is my Bliss. Thank you for being you.

Color of My World

2009-04-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

Creative Every Day April Theme: Color!

Color has evolved for me over the years. As a child color was my 64 count Crayola Crayons. I tried sampling a few of the colors only to find out that they all tasted the same disappointing flavor of wax! My next battle was trying to convince my younger sister of my findings... She had a thing for the peach crayon which was OK since I did not use that color too much anyway.

When I got into college and started to study Color Theory I found a whole new world of how the human eye perceives color based on wave lengths or light. For instance did you know that the color spectrum starts at infrared which we can't see but feel as heat and ends at ultraviolet or more simply known as UV? The color spectrum that the human eye see falls in between the two. Did you know that the human eye is most sensitive to the color green? And bee's and birds can see ultraviolet wavelengths?

Color also represents tantra or ritual for me in the respect that certain colors represent different aspects in Hindu worship. Have you ever wondered why Lord Krishna is blue? Because blue represents Universal Consciousness. Pink is for Lakshmi the Goddess of Wealth and Red is for Durga... I kind of look at her as Mother Nature! She is very powerful and represents the playground we call our natural world. Of course white in Hinduism represents purity like a lotus flower growing out of the muck completely unaffected by its circumstances.

Color has a lot of meaning for me and it is hard for me to pin point just one particular thing about color! I guess what I find a little profound is our eye evolved a sensitivity to the color green for our survival and by witnessing the world around us we in turn have expressed our value for color as something meaningful and spiritual. How lovely is that?!

Ripe Banana's? Make Bread!

2009-04-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

I found this guy having a very healthy snack of rose petals in my back garden. He did not seem to mind posing for the camera either!

I got up at 5:30 this morning to head over to the center for a Puja for Lakshmi the Goddess of Wealth. I thought it to be very important that I offer up to her the worries of my house hold finances and just let it go. Give it back to the universe to work out a better solution. I don't know why I want to worry about something that I have absolutely no control over! Do you ever find yourselves doing that? Working things forward and backward thinking you are going to come up with a different result? Yes?!... Me too!

What I am slow in coming to realize is that just because I wake up with an idea in my head of how my day is going to go, or how a certain scenario is going to play out, has absolutely no relevance in how the day is actually going to go! I am starting to see my own attachments very clearly and the letting go of well grooved thought patterns of my mind?!... Hard. It's the teaching old dog new tricks thing. But I am finding because I am willing to cultivate the awareness I can make the correction it's a bit like trying to turn the titanic but in the end I think I will get there with my mind kicking and screaming like a small child having a tiny tantrum.

Well! I have over ripe bananas so time to kick off some banana bread. I have a great vegan recipe from the Sivananda cook book. Please drop me a line if you would like me to pass it on to you!

Happy Easter Weekend

What Makes Me A Yogini?

2009-04-09T17:34:00.000-07:00

Big Kudos to Griffith Park Hiker! For being kind enough to post the name of this lovely tree on my comments. What we have here is a "Black Locust Tree" I am so smitten with it I had to post another picture of it.

Sometimes I don’t feel worthy enough to call myself a Yogini! I don't mean that in a negative way... I think that it is aspirational for me because of all the austerities required to practice the lineage of Yoga I have chosen for myself. I remind myself that as long as I set out with the right intention then I am always in a state of practice.

It is said in The Yoga Sutras when you have become established in the absence of "mental modifications" or thoughts then you are said to be in Yoga. Now that's a mouth full to try and say let alone achieve, But! there is hope, The Sutras say that with constant practice and non attachment, or if you prefer, a balance of 'never give up' and 'always let go' you can master meditation and reach the goal of Yoga which is Yoga or Union.

The deeper I dive into the philosophy of Yoga the more I realize I don’t know. It is a constant practice emptying myself and filling myself with the rituals of Sadhana, mediation, acting but not re-acting... Staying in touch with my teacher. Always keeping my mind on higher things. Not allowing myself to think negatively and understanding every situation is an opportunity to learn. Trying and cultivate love and compassion for everyone and everything... including those that I don’t like OR who may not like me! Trying to let go of like and dislikes... The expectation, The desire.

I would like to have the wisdom to know that when my teacher tells me off it’s a blessing because it's an opportunity for me to learn. And if I have a problem with being told off then perhaps I should not seek a teacher! You might be wondering if this last statement is a desire? Yes, Yes it is... The Gita suggest the only desires you should have should be for God. I know that's a tough one for some of you and that's OK too...

Indulge me and try this game:

Think of a zoomed out version of God. One that you can't put qualities on, or a name, or give a form too... A God beyond our humble thoughts and words. Keep going stripping away every preconceived idea of God... When you get to nothing, keep going! When you get to the question of what is the spark that animates life what makes my grey matter work and not be a pile of ... well?! grey matter?, Then I think we might be getting close to that secret of the universe or what I simply call God.

What is/isn't Yoga to you?

Yogash chitta vritti nirodhah!.

Got Religion?

2009-04-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what type of tree this is?! It is a volunteer seedling growing in a city owned dirt lot near my house... So I took a picture of it's lovely expression of Spring!

I have spent the past year on a quest to find out what spirituality and religion means for me. I have found both in the simplest of places... Like staring at my compost pile in amazement that it has turned into dirt! Along this journey of joy I have sat myself in front of a few souls that have devoted their lives to their religion and spirituality. They talked and I just listened!

Last spring I had the divine pleasure to spend the day with a retired Franciscan Monk. For me it was a opportunity of a life time because up to this point in my life I had only run into a Franciscan Monk once in San Remo Italy. Suffice to say I had a few questions I wanted to ask him about his faith in a Monotheistic God...(Monotheistic God is the God of Abraham. From this God the following religions have evolved: Islam, Judaism, and Christianity).... But first what about the sandals? And yes they make everything at the monastery including the sandals they wear!

Brother Rolph, a very kind a beautiful soul and I went day trippin in LA's spiritual places for the day! I asked him why Christians judged my faith?(I was a working through a conversation that I had with what I thought were some open minded Christians but they told me I was a pagan.) His reply was very a matter of fact, he felt that people get caught up in the fundamentals and dogma of religion and forget about the spirituality aspect. I asked him what the difference between fundamentalism and spirituality was? He said "Fundamentalism is a narrowly defined set of beliefs. An example is to take the Bible or text like the Koran as a literal word of God. He said to read the or interpret the Bible you must take the verse before and the verse after the verse you are trying to understand. They do not stand alone but are very much a part of a greater whole.
Spirituality is to feel God within your heart.... God is not a dogma or teaching, but awareness..."
Now that is a good lesson learned.

I like to think that I recognize God, Universal Energy, or Cosmic Consciousness, what ever you wish to call it, in my heart. I feel that I catch glimpse's of this in everyone and everything that includes 'Mr. 70's Roller Skater Short-Shorts' from my last post. I love the metaphor of the Mala to remind me that we are the beads and the thread that unites us all is "Insert your version of God here".

I don't think that you have to be religious to be spiritual... As I have become more aware of my own spirituality I wanted an avenue to worship and that's what brought me to Hinduism. It was a perfect fit for my already steady Yogic practice. It's also a extremely personal journey... It's is one of the biggest challenges I have taken on in my life but I feel that reward of contentment is so worth the struggle up the mountain. To practice what I have learned is the true test of were I am at on the path... Some days it's full steam ahead for me and others it's 10 steps back. But I just reaffirm my daily intention... polish my spiritual armor with mediation and tapa's and get back on the spiritual path.

Cruzing 70's Style

2009-04-07T15:16:00.000-07:00

(Another one of my Tree Series Photos... I think I have figured it out... Trees are the souls of the Earth.)
I have a couple of different trails that I hike in Griffith Park as part of my lunch time ritual. There is a picnic area that shall remain nameless that I sometimes park in. This area is a source of amusement for me as I am the only chick there... literally. When I get there at noon it is chock-o-block full of guys who happen to be cruising. What really gets my curiosity is how all these guys know to show up at this destination at this time?! It's like a group of ants that have discovered a picnic...OK! Who released the pheromone's?(Dear God! Is that my bad humor?)

The other day one of the guys approached me with a stack of People Magazines and asked me if I wanted them. I wondered if it was a trick question. If I said "Yes" I was OK and if I said "No" he would have to kill me. So of course I said "Yes"...I brought them back to the office and put them in the common area.. Haha. Normally the guys take no notice of me nor I of them but a few do catch my eye especially the ones that dress really "prostitutey"... If I can say that and not sound completely incorrect!

There was this one guy who was on the path dressed rather cute and provocative. He had his tiny 1970's roller skating shorts on, super tight of course, and a pair of those knee-hi tube socks with the 3 color stripe at the top.... (Remember those! Think quad skating!!)
So there he is in this little outfit on this dusty dirty horse trail... I'm thinking to myself, "You know, I'm loving the outfit but that the frigg are ya doin way out here on this trail? Really?!"

But honestly I have stopped trying to understand the 'why' part and just except the world as it is. The Universe constantly surprises me!... Maya surprises me and its actually quite beautiful. I have to say the more I homogenize my ego the more I see the beauty in everyone and everything. I see myself as one of the actors in the cruisers Divine lunch time play called Leela... I just have a side part as the chick running up a dusty, dirty, horse trail.

I'm also thinking: "Look out!! the 70's roller skating thing complete with silk jacket... Making a comeback!"

Solar Power Mala... Almost!

2009-04-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with the simpatico of the the macrocosm. More correctly the relationship of the Sun and our planet Earth. I'm fascinated by the mere fact that without the Sun there is no life on Earth... There would be nothingness, we would be the frozen planet! but then my mind jumps to the Moon! Without the Moon there would be no weather, or tides... Rivers would not flow. But I digress.
Back to the magnificent power of the Sun. I think it funny that we in the western cultures say the sun sets and the sun rises when it does no such thing. The sun does not move... It is our humble little planet moving around the sun.... So how did we get to the sun sets and rises? Why has our culture we moved so far away from that which sustains us?

Non action is not an option for me! I must salute the sun for the life it provides this living planet. What better way than to set my intention for completing a 108 Sun Salutations at Sivanada Yoga Center LA with Vishnu-Prems and Akime's Solar Power Mala!

Here is how it was to work: Akime would chant the odd #'s meaning we would be on our right leg when she chanted. Vishnu Prem would chant the even #'s meaning we would be on our left leg when he chanted. This worked great for me because my pesky mind still wants to wonder off into its own creations a-l-l, t-h-e, t-i-m-e!

When we completed 12 rounds Ambika would ring the bell with 2 rings. The bell would ring a total of 8 times! on the last round Ambika would ring the bell extra long to signify the last 2 rounds to be completed.

OK?! OK! We stretch out briefly on our mats... We silently dedicate the energy that we create to whom or what ever we feel needs a boost and we are off and saluting. The mantra is so beautiful with the harmonium that it is all I can hear as I move through the postures. I get through the first 54 without any problems I'm sweating and my breath is working hard but it feels so right... There is little to no effort.

I was able to find where I was placing weight and was able to redistribute it so I was not hanging out in my wrists or knee's. I relied on my back leg, shoulders and triceps... They burned and started to get shaky towards the end. I lost track of the bell back after the first ring so I had no idea what number we were on when my thirst started talking to me. I thought that I would just placate myself with a bite of cookie and some water and then jump back in. What happens next breaks my heart... It's the long bell to signify we are down to the last 2 rounds! NO, NO, NO! I could have made it. I missed 4 rounds getting water and a cookie. Frustration. I finish the last 2 rounds completing 104 of the 108....

I forced myself to let it go and respect the energy that has been created in this moment and I collapse in my contentment. Today my arms don't want to move above my head.

Surya Namaskar:

1. Exhale - Palms in the prayer position
"Om Mitraya Namaha"
Anahata (heart)

2. Inhale - Stretch the arms out, up and back
"Om Ravaye Namaha"
Vishuddhi (throat)

3. Exhale - bending forward from the hips
"Om Suryaye Namaha"
Swadisthana (pelvic)

4. Inhale - left leg all the way back, looking up
"Om Bhanave Namaha"
Ajna (third eye)

5. Exhale - right leg back (downward facing dog)
"Om Khagaya Namaha"
Vishuddhi (throat)

6. Hold - knees, chest and chin to the floor
"Om Pushne Namaha"
Manipura (navel)

7. Inhale- lift the head, neck and chest (cobra pose)
"Om Hiranyagarbhaye Namaha"
Swadhisthana (pelvic)

8. Exhale - push back into downward facing dog
"Om Marichaye Namaha"
Vishuddhi (throat)

9. Inhale - left foot forward between the palms, look up
"Om Adityaya Namah"
Ajna (third eye)

10. Exhale - right foot forward, knees straight, bending forward
"Om Savitre Namaha"
Swadhisthana (pelvic)

11. Inhale - stretch arms out, up and back
"Om Arkaya Namaha"
Vishuddhi (throat)

12. Exhale - straighten up, palms in the prayer position, release the arms
"Om Bhaskaraya Namaha"
Anahata (heart)

Lessons From My Household

2009-04-02T15:08:00.008-07:00

My first strawberries of the season!

Graceful Yoga has inspired me to try and tackle the subject of what it is like living in a household that does not follow the principles of Yoga...(I'm surrounded by non believers!) What's that like you might wonder? Challenging, but in a good way.

Last summer I had the pleasure to attend a 4 day retreat on the Srimad Bhagavatam (A text that centers around the love of Lord Krishna... very beautiful!) taught by an acharya, Br. Prabodh Chaitanya, of the Chinmaya Mission San Jose. I asked this lovely monk how was I to balance my yogic practice while trying to raise a family? His answer was amazingly simple and pure. I have chosen to have this family and it is my responsibility(Dharma)to finish out this householder path that is of my creation. However, I should be in yoga at every moment in my day... and then my family to will receive the benefits of yoga. Armed with this Truth I have come to learn a few more lessons from my non believing household.

Lesson #1 Non attachment
I don't expect my house hold to adhere to my yogic sensibilities or practice. I feel that everyone has their own Karmic path to travel, including my guys. That leads me to Lesson #2...

Lesson #2 Karma
I can not travel my husbands or my sons Karmic path for them. They have to do it on their own. They each have their own past karmas to work out, as well as, any debts they have collected in this life time. I have come to realize that it may take life times for people to wake up to spiritual life and that's ok.

Lesson #3 Lead By Example
My son watches me very closely and tries to find holes in my values. The other day while driving him to school I said out loud that the driver that had just cut us off was a fool. My son said "that's not very yogic mom!" And he's right I should not judge. I tried to explain that you don't have to agree with the actions but love the soul... I said, Look at it in this way: A killer is a murder because they have taken someones life but that the killers soul belongs to God. We don't have to agree with or like the killers actions.
It's a hard thing for people to wrap their minds around because they think I have had my brain sucked out and all I do is wander around with flowers chanting peace and love... Not true. I like to think I see the world very clearly and I aspire to be in the world but not of it.

Lesson #4 Flexible Meals
This is especially true for me. I practice a host of tapas(austerities) for purification in preparation for meditation (which I know I will forever be mastering!). No meat, eggs, onions, garlic, mushrooms, as of this year... No alcohol!*deep sigh*... My house hold imbibes in all the above! So that means separate meals most of the time depending on how carnivorous the guys are feeling. Sometimes we will cook one menu and the husband will make meat for him and the boy.

Lesson #5 Don't Forget to Laugh
I think for myself its not taking myself too seriously and just having a laugh. The husband and I after 18 years of marriage can make each other cry with laughter. The other day I told him that I think that I found the secret to the perfect meditation...You have to have sex first! We were wetting ourselves of what that conversation would be like in Gita class as I tried to explain my findings! HA! Not ever going to happen!! Ever!

Little by little I have been able to incorporate a few yogic principles into my household. My son surprised me the other day when he shooed a mosquito out of the house and as it went on it's way he instructed it to go find another host to suck blood from. He and I both looked at each other realizing the paradox of the situation and wondered, did we just do the right thing? How literal should we take the oath of Ahmisa(non-violence)?

A long story short... I co-exist in my household. I don't ask my husband to come to the center nor do I expect him or my son to volunteer to come with me. I just go about life in the knowledge that everything is as it should be.

The Trojan Horse

2009-04-01T11:58:00.001-07:00

Yoga Farm House Alter Summer 2008. Lord Krishna and his consort Radha.

Yoga and Transition are a bit like a Trojan Horse. I have gone into both thinking I was there for this or that and finding a richness far beyond my hyper active imagination!

Yoga started out for me as a mat series about 10 years ago. My first teacher was an amazing 70 year old Jewish woman named Estelle. She would always tell us to "just let go" and I would be lying there on my mat wondering what I needed to let go of? I was so wrapped up in having my entitled life style I could not even find my 'Self'.

My yoga tried to grow when Estelle suddenly died of cancer. She knew she was going to die and I remember the last class that she ever taught (She died 3 months later). She looked out over us as if she were making a picture in her mind to take with her on her uncharted transition... I will never forget the look in her eye. It was of sincere love and gratitude. I reacted by what I thought 'letting go' meant. I quit my very, very, well paid job, which up to that point in my life was my whole existence and moved my family to London... (As you do when you have a mid life crisis at 35!) I thought I would find another world there and I was right. I did find another world there but not the one that would bring me closer to yoga. It made me only chase my desires harder... I became isolated and lonely. After a year my husband convinced me to come back to the states. I continued to chase my desires in San Francisco with this crazy delusion that I was more deserving that others. I would often ask myself why things came so easy to others and not myself? Good question... but even more importantly that I look for the answer in the right place as I was still looking for the answer in my desires.

John got a job in LA and we moved back to the beach and we have been here now for the last 9 years. I had a complete collapse of my superfical world about 3 years ago when I found out that my body is a host for a rather pesky virus for the rest of my natural existence. This virus reeks havoc on me and is relentless in its pursuits of winning over my immune system... all though not life threatening its more of a big pain in the butt. This is when the Yogic Trojan Horse opened up to reveal her secrets to me. She showed me the inner beauty of Vedanta. I stopped looking at the world with duality. I learned to say, "why not me?". My suffering became less and less as Yoga showed me that to 'let go' meant to not chase my material desires but instead look to my heart for fullness. I had the realization that my whole life had been leading me to this point of discovery.

I started a steady practice of sadhana and non-attachment to help strengthen my resolve as a yogini. I still get caught up in the stickiness of life but I can un-stick myself more quickly and not let things get to me. I feel that I have a fluidity that allows me to just kind of bob and weave my way around. I feel that I have a much deeper compassion and understanding for everything. Something that I did not have when I was tring to feed my desires...

I feel for myself non-attachment is very key to the end of suffering. I have heard people say that they can't do this because they need their passions or that they would feel too detached. I feel they have totally missed the point if they think it is about not having passion or feelings. To me that's not what non-attachment is about. It's about recognizing my feelings but not feeding them or chasing them around in endless circles or more importantly letting them chase me around in endless circles. I instead observe that I am angry and I will say to myself ... That's interesting and then I try and send it on its way with a positive thought. The other night I heard myself saying to my husband "Honey don't say that its not positive hope that Karma corrects it quickly." ...
Gosh, I hope that I don't sound like I'm trying to promote magical thinking. I'm simply looking at every action in my life as a karmic lesson! I choose to not allow the darkness to take over my mind but instead cultivate light. I think when I fill myself with light then the fluidity of life fills me and I am carried away on her currents to greater possibilities...

Later this week: Why I think Transition is another beautiful Trojan Horse...

Offerings of the Universe

2009-03-31T20:35:00.000-07:00

The lavender is exploding in my garden this spring!... The bee's love it! It makes me smile everytime I see them come visit the offerings of the universe disgused as flowers.

While sitting in front of my alter this evening I was filled with gratitude for the air that sustains me. I am infatuated with the rhythm of life and I often wonder if the true purpose of this human form is to appreciate all the different expressions the universe has to offer. I believe we are here to discover her secrets... If we were not here to appreciate them... Then who would?

There is a beautiful Vedantic metaphor that describes the ocean as Brahman or God. The waves upon the ocean are all the different expressions of Brahman. I look at myself as one of those waves upon the ocean of life along with a bunch of other waves expressing themselves. We all have a beginning, we all have an end. But I am forever a part of Brahman.

I guess what got me thinking about my relationship with this planet was this past weekends Joana Macy workshop "Work That Reconnects". We started with the following list from David C. Kortens new book 'Agenda To A New Economy'

Empire:

Life is Hostile
Humans Flawed and Dangerous
Original Course
Order by Dominate Hierarchy
Compete or Die
Love Power
Defends the Right of self

Earth Community:

Supportive
Humans have many possibilities
Original Blessing
Order by Partnership
Cooperate and Live
Love Life
Defends the Rights of ALL

How insiteful these two list are! They speak deep truth ... I want to connect with the community of life! I am so greatful that we still have time for the Great Turning. Wow! There is some very deep thinking that I need to do... But it is all good;-)

Dinner Party for 8

2009-03-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

The photo is Hanuman! From the Yoga Farm Ashram. The ever faithful warrior;-)

What's it like to go next door and have dinner with 6 Republican neighbors and be the only liberal and socialist at the table?

Challenging yes! But not as bad as one would think. The chit-chat fell away fast and the table dived head long into attacking Obama. Having just finished an all day Joanna Macy workshop that cultivated listening I did just that, I listened. What I heard was the rhetorical same-old same-old, there was very little original free thinking. So I asked a few questions just to see what the answer might be. My goal was to throw them off their canned responses and perhaps provoke them to tap into themselves and not a party line. I don't think that I was successful in my goal. But their responses are a trip!

Janaki:(question for the table) Is capitalism dead?

Table: Yes, But it is capitalism that keeps people wanting to come here to live the American dream. We have to reinvent it and we should not bail out AIG and let if fail along with the car companies and to bad for all the people who would loose there jobs.... They(the laid off worker's) can come take the jobs from illegal immigrants in California(an example from the table, picking strawberries and grapes) The bail out has been seriously mismanaged by the Democrats because of AIG taking bonus's.

Janaki: Do you really see these highly skilled workers people picking fruit?
Table: Yes. Of course they will they will! They will need the money and a job. But I would pay $5 for a tomato picked by an American citizen. Inside Janaki's head: Err... ok?? An interesting way to express value for labour.

Janaki: Should California tax illegal immigrants for using her services?
Table: No illegal immigrants should get nothing! And then they would not want to come here and work. As a matter of fact we should sanction Mexico right now! ( I wanted to ask about NAFTA but the table was on a roll and I could not keep them focused on the topic!) Sanctions quickly moved to war on Mexico... Lets take Baja...

Suddenly Gay marriage was on the table because we had a Republican school teacher who was convinced that marriage is taught in schools. (Inside my head... Dear God, Please help me to understand... its only her ignorance speaking.) I listened to her rhetoric and quietly said that God does not discriminate. She fell back on her Catholicism. I pulled out the Straussian/ Neo conservative card. I was sorry to do that to her but I wanted to know her heart! Not the canned dogma.

Dualistic thinking fascinates me because it gets stuck in finite terms. It does not allow for new ideas but old ones to be repeated over and over with out any real... questioning.
Leo Strauss saw this in the American masses and he used this fear and lack of not wanting to think to control the masses. But I'm getting off topic here.

Back to the dinner table. At the end of the evening we all were still friends and neighbors. My husband and I had one last parting thought for the table: "Do you realize what has just happened here? People in other countries would be shot for having a different political point of view or fear of even expressing a different idea than that of the masses, fear of being reported to the government for not supporting the government... What we just experienced is called D-E-M-O-C-R-A-C-Y!"

It takes many different ideas to come together to find a better world solution. I feel we must peal away ideology and party lines to get to the human soul thus enabling us to do the right thing.

I Think To Myself...What A Wonderful World!

2009-03-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

(This is the Yoga Farm Ashram Pond in March! Imagine a colony of bull frogs that are up ALL night talking! Non-stop croaking!!)

It has been my intention this year to try and cultivate my yogic practice and Transition Movement to create a life of resilience. I am not limiting my scope to just myself and family but thought I would try and touch as many folks as possible. With this in mind I decided I would start with a little Karma and Dharma (Action and Duty) at the office. Our TVA break room is full of paper and plastic choices and I wondered what would happen if I ran a little experiment on my unsuspecting co-workers.

It would go a little something like this:

Pop up to the thrift shop up on the corner of Sonora and San Fernando, a real dive of a place, but perfect hunting grounds for my karmic task which was to purchase 2nd hand plates, cups, and silverware for the TVA break room in the hopes that my fellow employee's would use these items instead of paper and plastic products. Thus creating less waste.

I recruited my trusted coordinator Treasure... Yeah her name is Treasure... and she and I spent all of $10 between us for our bags of 2nd hand goodies. We brought back our loot to the office washed it all up and put the items next to the paper products and waited.... Mind you I had no expectation other than just wanting to observe what folks would do with the choice of the real deal or paper/plastic...

Well here are my observations:

The forks disappeared first... Strange yes, not what I expected, but ok. I went out and replaced them and the 2nd batch have managed to stay put. The plates, a big hit! The TVA break room has become a real functioning kitchen for those of us that bring in homemade lunches every day. Fresh home grown fruit and winter vegetable have shown up on the counter as a share with the lunch room community. Someone brings in their French coffee press to make their morning kick butt coffee. Sigg water bottles, re-usable water containers and travel mugs are always drying out in the dish rack. Oh! and yeah, someone brought in a very stylish dish rack!

Yesterday I ran into the office manager and he said to me that because of what I have been doing for the break room he felt that he should try and do more... So he went to the company buyers and advocated for the purchase of the corn based recyclable sporks for our dept. They agreed! He has also switched to glass pyrex bowls to pack his lunch in. Then he told me that he has given up his car and started to ride the bus! He went on to send me this great article about Alice Waters encouraging Michelle Obama to grow a Victory Garden.

Wow!... This is the change I hope to see in the world. Today I am a very happy woman.

Body of Gratitude

2009-03-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

A Magnolia in full bloom in the small gold rush town of Aburn California.

I rarely lunch but yesterday was the exception to my strict rule. I had a presentation to attend at the Disney Lot and received a free lunch voucher with the value of $8 for the Disney Commissaries... Well enough said there! I grabbed my coordinator and a gal from the Casting dept. and we high tailed it over to the Riverside Commissary for some Baja Fresh.

The gal from casting told us of an idea that she owns(she has copy write and all that legal stuff). Its game you play between girlfriends that supports positivity by giving yourself points every time you do something loving for yourself. She named off a few examples: wearing matching under clothes, not eating the chocolate brownie during cake day (a Disney office celebration), helping someone out, taking a vitamin, going for a walk! I was chuffed at the beauty of this idea and the way that it creates an awareness of love for ourselves! This goes back to BlissChicks current blog thread of us appreciating our 'Healthy Vehicles'.

This little lunch time conversation made me very excited about what we have the power to do for ourselves! We don't NEED the affirmation of the world! Instead we need gratitiude for our ourselves. We need to know that we are perfect in our own skin thus cultivating our own state of bliss. I believe that this inner strength can be cultivated by meditating on the Self. Turning inward and listening to the whisper in our mind... not the voice on the bull horn. Ha!

In Vedanta we believe that the way to see God in everything is to see God in ourselves first! How many of us remember to do this? Don't worry I include myself in that forgetfulness! I bring this up because it is a great way to start the appreciation rolling! To start to see myself as the expression of God will help me see that we are as we should be. We don't need to pound square pegs into round holes, to use a very trite analogy... (sorry! Hahah!)

I have to be honest here... I am having a hard time watching my face grow old and wondering a bit about Gods work there! I am becoming wrinkled and have the start of a very cute double chin... at 43?! Oh dear!... I think what I am experiencing is my soul remaining the same while my body ages around it. I still feel like the 'me' at 20, perhaps a little wiser(?!). I look in the mirror and I think... 'Wow this is what my middle age looks like'. I think to myself 'well, I guess I could get a face lift and get rid of the jowls and lines' but then I would erase what my life is suppose to be about. My life is a process of aging even dying if I am completely honest about how the process works.

So chasing my wrinkles and sags is this what I want my life to be about?... fretting over a dimple on my butt? a wrinkle on my face? or what someone else looks like and I don't? Do I really want to be a slave to the creams and treatments that promise that the return of that youthful glow or perfect yoga body? Or should I be thinking, I am greatful too you, my body and soul, for everything you have done for these past 43 years lets keep this relationship going for another 50! Deal? Deal!

Turning Inward

2009-03-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm watching BBC America World News. They are doing a special on the economic crisis in Japan. There is no more job for life in Japan... There is a growing number of homeless. There is no work and companies are closing everyday. I was not aware that Japan is primarily made up of small companies that have only 3 to 4 people as employee base and that these types of companies make up 85% of Japan's work force. They are closing because they have no contracts for work.... Thank you world economy. The Japanese economist on the show said in this respect the world is flat. I thought that was a very interesting analogy. It really reinforces for me the idea that sustainability is paramount! We need to encourage each other to save and conserve. I think this could be a very intense little storm to ride out for the next few years.

A group of yoga friends and myself have put together a co-op we are buying bulk purchases of toilet paper and other paper products. This works great because I often don't have the room for 50 rolls of toilet paper but to split the order up between 3 people is fantastic! We are going to meet this weekend to expand on this concept and see what other necessities we can try and co-op.

The other day while dropping Jake off at hockey practice I noticed that BT had made its open air parking lot into a solar farm! Cars actually park under the panels! I am soooo moved by this random act of corporate responsibility!! Kudos's to British Telephone!

A side note:

I made a long weekend trip to the Yoga Farm Ashram for a Hatha Yoga Intensive. It was amazing! Spring is in full display with the Almond trees dressed in dainty pink blossoms, Gold daffodils dotting the ashram grounds, and the above pictured Magnolia tree! It was a great to reconnect with girlfriends and focus on the practice. I have allowed myself to free fall since the Vedanta course by not grabbing onto any ideology or belief. What is that like you might wonder? Strange and paradoxical! My meditations are getting better because I have let go of the end result. I'm just happy to feel the experience of turning inward.

Deeper in the Practice

2009-03-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

6am this morning was not a welcome event for me or my son who had to be at work at 7am. We sat in the car speechless on the way over to the hockey rink waiting for the heater of my tiny Prius to thaw the sharp chill in the air. I looked over at Jake and he had the look of 'where am I?' on his face. I spoke up and told him not to worry that getting up at 6am on Sunday mornings was only a temporary state of being. It was only right here, right now, not forever. He agreed, besides the paycheck is always a welcome plus for his wallet.

This weekends Vedanta course has me rethinking my spiritual practice. I sobbed during yesterday mornings meditation because of a realization I had. Swami Sita told me during my meditation to quiet my mind I need to detach. Interesting. Detach from what? Wanting to know? Maybe trying to hard to be a good student? Maybe it is to let go of the goal of the practice and go back to enjoying the path? I feel like I used to enjoy the path but I got lost on it with distractions of taking this class and that, and I have been missing out on the experience. I think this has been happening in my meditations as well. So what if my mind runs, let it run itself around and just watch where it goes. The mind has a lot of knots to undo let it undo the knots. Just experience the mind. I am not my mind so there is no harm in watching what it does during meditation. Someday it will slow down and have stillness.

This morning I did not go and meditate. I thought I would contemplate what I have realized this weekend and let it sink in. I am thinking that I need to just take a break from the center and not feel obligated to it in anyway. I have allowed it to become a distraction for me. I have not trusted my own experiences with my practice because I have accepted that I know nothing therefore what I was experiencing was not Real. How wrong I was and even more wrong to listen to what I thought what others were teaching, and as my chest is starting to tighten as I type this I think it might be a slight source of frustration for me. Humility is good but don't sacrifice yourself thinking its an act of humility.

International Womens Day!

2009-03-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

Happy International Women's Day you beautiful gals! Feeling the inspiration from the amazingly cool Connie over at Dirty Footprints I decided to share a story of just one of the many beautiful women in my life that to this day inspires me to be a better woman.

Maw-Maw was the name my great granny answered too. Her youngest daughter (My great-aunt) started calling her that when I was a kid and it just stuck. Great Granny was born and raised in Arkansas and moved to California with her large brood of 8 kids during the dust bowl on a model T-Ford. Maw-Maw ended up having 12 kids total with a set of twins that died from milk poisoning when they were just babies... probably salmonella? Maw-Maw was considered an old maid for her time because she did not marry until she was nearly 27. Her husband (My great grand father) was only 19 when he married her. I don't remember how they met or of the actual age diffrence but I do know she loved him very much and she once told me that there was not a day that did not go by that she did not think of him. She would go on to out live him by 18 years.

Maw-Maw had what I thought to be a fascinating tobacco chewing habit. She would keep an old coffee can by her chair and spit into it! I had never seen anything like this before in my whole life. I remember when I was a kid I asked my Granny about it and she told me to mind my own business! That's when I knew it was something that annoyed Granny and it provoked my curiosity even more! It took me until my early 20's to finally figure out what the heck it was all about.

Maw-Maw was a simple gal that could make a mean biscuit and chocolate gravy from scratch. She was very firm but fair. A devout Christian by means of her Dutch upbringing she never went around talking about her faith but simply walked the walk. Her nature was to be extremely charitable. She always would give us kids quarters to go buy 'sweet-tooth' her code word for candy.

Maw-Maw's later years were a lot of fun for me. She and I both lived at my grand parents house together while I attended college. Maw-Maw had suffered a few strokes by this time and it made her do funny things like, she had to sit in front of the fire but she would not feel warm unless she saw a flame so she would wad up tissues from her tissue box and try to throw them into the fire... Little did she know my grand mother had sat her just far enough back that she could never get them into the fire. So the scene when I would get back from college was Maw-Maw in front of the fire with a pile of waded up tissues around her chair while she stared at the fire place in disgust. I would pick-up the tissues and toss them into the fire for her to help complete her illusion of warmth.

We updated the TV since Maw-Maw's stroke and you no longer had to get up to change the channel on the TV but you could use a new fangled thing called a remote. Maw-Maw did not know how to work it so I decided that I would show her how besides what harm could she get up to?... It's 5am do you know were your great granny is? I'm jolted to attention from my deep sleep by the blaring sound of white noise from the TV set... "What the?" I think to myself. I get up to find Maw-Maw pointing the remote at the TV like its a pistol and she's trying to shoot the TV with it. She says's "I can't get it to stop!" I said "Maw-Maw you have to let go of the button!" I asked her to give me the remote and I would put the channel on for her. What did she want to watch?... "PTL!" (Praise to the Lord with Jim Baker and Tammy Fay)she said all happy "I just love that Tammy Fay" I believed her. Maw-Maw transitioned later that year very peacefully at home with one of her daughters by her side.

They don't make women like Maw-Maw anymore. She was a time and a place and I am forever blessed to have had her in my life. Maw-Maw had seen all 4 of her boys go off to war all 4 of them return. She had lost everything she had in the dust bowl and left her home for a state she had never been too with 8 kids in tow. She buried 2of her kids as babies and more as adults but she never lost her faith. I really love this about her she was a true Karma Yogini devoted to selfless service. I love her strength, her tenacity, her fight. She is everything I aspire to be. Well maybe minus the tobacco habit and about 11 kids! ;-)

From my little sister:
"I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hair spray I use, and the friends I have. To the cool women that have touched my life. Here's to you!"

Golden Medium

2009-03-01T21:53:00.000-08:00

Master Sivananda writes that moderation is an important virtue to be cultivated by the student of ethics and the aspirant. He goes on to say that moderation is freedom from excess in anything. Moderation is calmness of mind. Moderation is equanimity. Moderation is skill in Yoga, and in material pursuits.

Lord Buddha practiced extreme austerity's at the beginning of his spiritual practice. He ate little to no food and suffered greatly. His body became emaciated and to top it off he did not make much spiritual progress. Then he started to practice the golden medium. He began to take food in moderation. He started to regulate his spiritual practice. Only then did he become enlightened. He taught his disciples to stick to the middle path only. He learned this lesson from his own experience.

The above sounds so simple but yet it remains so illusive for many of us. Just look around we are suppose to be living in one of the greatest era's but no one is happy. Why do we listen to society selling us it's idea of perfection and not the voice in our hearts? The voice in my heart is telling me to simplify. Simplifying is a beautiful shift to the golden medium.

Moderation is a lovely concept and it really is the only way. If we go to extremes in anything we become out of balance, too much sleep not enough sleep, too much food not enough food, too much exercise not enough exercise... Clearly the middle path is the only way. I think that Swami Sivananda is right when he says that moderation should be our motto and ideal!

I hope this makes sense! I'm a little tired... Simply said the Golden Medium inspires me. I think it a beautiful virtue to be cultivated. Om

Dance of Primordial Creation

2009-02-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post:
What a week it has been! It started with Maha Shivaratri Tuesday Night with an all night celebration for Lord Siva at Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Center LA. We chanted the night away with devotional songs and pujas to Lord Siva. I don't know much about Siva because Lord Vishnu is my Ishta Deva or cherished divinity. So I can't really say much about Siva... other that he is the dance of primordial creation he oversees death and destruction in the universe. He is Shakti or power! Siva is beautiful because he clears the dross to make way for new growth. Like a forest has to burn down in order to have new growth... That kind of clearing out! Wow that is power!!!... It has left me with a very clear mind, all the muck has been wiped away. Wednesday was a blur. I felt like I had jet lag for most of the afternoon I could not get myself motivated to write anything.

I met Thursday with clarity that I have not experience in a long time and I started putting a transition project into motion with emails to city of MB Park and Recreation. I was met with positivity... Why has left me scared to death about putting an 8 week course together on Transition for them? >>whimper<<

I even went back and listened to a lecture from last Fridays Yoga Sutras Class. We were having a discussion about spiritual ambition and how it is ego driven. Of course I started to wonder what tricks my ego has been playing on me?! Has it tricked me into being spiritually ambitious? Perhaps. Honestly I'm not going to worry about it instead I choose to move ahead with the awareness of this possible bump in the road. Sometimes I think too much second guessing is just that! Second guessing.

Were is the Love?

2009-02-21T09:37:00.000-08:00

What is love? That was one of many questions last night in our Yoga Sutras Class. How does one define love? For me it is the relationship that I have with my son. I have learned through my experience's of raising him these past 16 years that I am not attached to the out come or the idea of my son... I don't have great plans or schemes for him. No. I have always felt that I have been a steward to this lovely tender life and it was more my job to make sure that he blossoms to be the man that he should be not what I think him to be. As a result he is a very confident young man with a healthy interest in all things boy!

This love that I feel for my son is easy and uncomplicated, unspoken, a bond... A true experience of non-duality! There is no "i-ness" in motherhood. It is the ultimate surrender of ones ego. It is eternal selfless service. I will forever be his mother for the remainder of my time on this plane. I am forever grateful for the universe providing me this experience because it allows me to grow.

I have to ask myself one question.... Why don't I feel the same love that I have for my son for the rest of the universe? That's a really hard question that I don't have an easy answer too. I will say this, love is so conditioned in western society we color it with many brushes. Valentines Day is a great example of this. Love is boiled down to dollars and time spent on creating and event out of ones love for another. I find this gross on so many levels. My poor husband was under strict instructions to not do anything different on this day than he would any other day of the week. He weakened and bought flowers... He assured me that they were not expensive. Then I purchased a lovely little Buddha painting from Zen Dot Studio as a Valentines gift for myself! Haha! Were has my conviction gone? I love the painting but for some reason felt I needed a guise to make the purchase. Maybe we should just change Valentines Day to a day of loving ourselves? That way no one gets left out and its unconditional! It kinda meets all the criteria.

(The photo is taken with my handy cell phone in Griffith Park! Its the continuation my tree obsession and you get to live it with me. I suppose I will have to blog it out later. What can I say? I love trees...without trees... Well there would be no air!)

Back to Practice

2009-02-19T20:03:00.000-08:00

Today's picture is from my lunch time hike up into the hills of Griffith Park in Los Angeles. I'm a little obsessed with this hillside's simple beauty. For me it's all in the time of day, the contrast of the elements, the absence of shadow from the sky's perspective, and a cell phone that has absolutely no depth of field in its tiny camera lens. The center of focus of the image is so small that everything that falls outside the radius is a slow disintegration of softness. How fun it was to have the time of day and a crappy cell phone with a distorted lens! It was much needed play time to clear my head and come to the following:

This past weekend I attended a wonderful lecture on the Upanishads given by Gajanamam the founder/director of Vishnu-Devananda Yoga Vedanata Center in Berkeley. The lecture made me realize that I know nothing. Not in a bad way! This is a good thing. And it's and even a better thing to be able to admit this because it means there is room for more learning. I can strive to be a better student.

This awareness has helped me understand my feeling of being out of sync these past few weeks. I had not been able to put my finger on it and then it hit me on my hike today. I have been wandering around thinking that 'I know' and it has created a false sense of security in my new acquired knowledge if you will. It is said that if you don't have a solid understanding of the basics of Vedanata you won't be able to build on it and that is right were I find myself! Vedanata is a constant self examination and I'm OK with feeling like I'm being pulled backward it just means back to Abhyasa

The Great Turning

2009-02-17T11:40:00.000-08:00

Today is a beautiful day indeed! I left the house not expecting much more than a day in the office. Once I finally got here(LA traffic+Rain=Pain)I found an email from Environmental Change Makers that just made my heart glow with the thought of yes! yes! yes! The email contained a link to this simple message from Joanna Macy and is exactly the food my soul is craving to be fed today! What an amazing woman! And a great website!

Personal Guidelines for the Great Turning

Come from Gratitude
To be alive in this beautiful, self-organizing universe--to participate in the dance of life with senses to perceive it, lungs that breathe it, organs that draw nourishment from it--is a wonder beyond words. Gratitude for the gift of life is the primary wellspring of all religions, the hallmark of the mystic, the source of all true art. Furthermore, it is a privilege to be alive in this time when we can choose to take part in the self-healing of our world.

Don't be Afraid of the Dark
This is a dark time, filled with suffering and uncertainty. Like living cells in a larger body, it is natural that we feel the trauma of our world. So don't be afraid of the anguish you feel, or the anger or fear, for these responses arise from the depth of your caring and the truth of your interconnectedness with all beings. To suffer with is the literal meaning of compassion.

Dare to Vision
Out of this darkness a new world can arise, not to be constructed by our minds so much as to emerge from our dreams. Even though we cannot see clearly how it's going to turn out, we are still called to let the future into our imagination. We will never be able to build what we have not first cherished in our hearts..

Roll up your Sleeves
Many people don't get involved in the Great Turning because there are so many different issues, which seem to compete with each other. Shall I save the whales or help battered children? The truth is that all aspects of the current crisis reflect the same mistake, setting ourselves apart and using others for our gain. So to heal one aspect helps the others to heal as well. Just find what you love to work on and take joy in that. Never try to do it alone. Link up with others; you'll spark each others' ideas and sustain each others' energy..

Act your Age
Since every particle in your body goes back to the first flaring forth of space and time, you're really as old as the universe. So when you are lobbying at your congressperson's office, or visiting your local utility, or testifying at a hearing on nuclear waste, or standing up to protect an old grove of redwoods, you are doing that not out of some personal whim, but in the full authority of your 15 billions years.

Hari Om Tat Sat

State of Ahamkara

2009-02-16T10:57:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of confusion about Ego. I have fashioned a very nice one for myself... complete with likes and dislikes that manifest themselves in the form of a constant stream of judgments and preconceived notions. My ego limits everything I do by setting up a quagmire of frameworks for me to live within. These parameters are only there because 'I' have placed them there.

Last night someone asked if I could find my ego. Well, yes! of course I felt I could find my ego it is in the form of Me, I, and Mine. Ego is what keeps me from Oneness with the Divine because of my identification with 'I-ness'. I was further challenged that I would not find my Ego because it was a state! A state of what? A state of mind perhaps? A state of 'I-ness'? Hmm interesting...OK, I know I need ego as it is a human affliction... But my goal it to thin it out not allow it to manipulate and be self serving. A nice challenge for me... A lovely surrender. I can surrender my ego in the pose... I can surrender my ego in mediation. I can surrender up my egos likes and dislikes. I want to know what that peace would feel like. What that sense of balance is.

We all have our take on the world none of us right or wrong yet our egos dictate that our point of view is the only way... Ego makes us do silly things like a peaceful demonstration turning violent... Umm? Or I like tofu and you don't lets go to war over it.

In the Mundaka Upanishad 3.1.1, the ego and a truer 'I' are somewhat metaphorically described, as a pair of birds that perch upon the tree of life. The passage is appended below,

"On one same tree, two birds are perched, associated as a pair. Of these, one eats and tastes the fruit. The other of the pair is that which does not eat, but just looks on."

Look out ego...I want to know the observer.