Losing Myself in Samsara

I have struggled for the past 2 years for anything to say so I decided to say nothing at all.  I have thought of deleting this blog many times or just abandoning it but something kept me from doing it.  I realized now that I have been very unhappy for the past few years and I just did not have the words to express what I was going through.  Nor did I feel the need to share it with the world. I was trying to express myself the other day on fb with the use of very few words and the person I was speaking with told me my thoughts were shallow. All I could think was, not really you are just having fun putting lipstick on a pig and thinking how pretty it looks... I'm just experiencing the world in about 3 words or less! (as I go on to write a page!)

Life happens and seems to filter off in many different directions whether I like it or not... and admittedly I have been choosing to be happy without really being happy... I have realized that their is an authenticity to happiness when it arises from a mind that is balanced and it is something that can't be forced but comes from a place of true contentment.  From a heart that is full comes the peace I seek.

As of late this peace has escaped me as I find myself plunged into a divorce, empty nest, and menopause all converging on top of each other and manifesting in me as a nasty swirl of emotion.  Lord knows the menopause on its own is a staggering blow but for the Universe throw in all the other stuff is just darn right mean! And yes, I know what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, thank you very much!

My wildly swing hormones leaves me standing on an emotional ledge without a lot of room left for grace.. My patience clearly at its whits end with Samara I find my mind thinking crazy things like for example, hating my 20 something neighbors and their hedonistic behaviors. That said, I have realized that I am incredibly grateful to not have any daughters!  Last nights adventures in the Land of Loud brought this to my attention as I listened to a group of girls at my neighbors loft party talking over each other and the only word that seemed to cut through in their conversation was "LIKE".  Every sentence was started with "LIKE".  Now I hate the word "LIKE" for no other reason.  I attribute my pettiness and lack of compassion to my loss of hormones... Please know that if I rip your face off and hand it you and wish you "Hari Krishna" at the same time its nothing personal.

... Now back to that illusive peace...  and some lunch:)


  • Geri (Janaki) | May 9, 2013 at 9:46 AM

    you know what Mark! its ok to stumble or even fall... just know where you are at and be honest in your Truth. Everything is change including the mind. There is not a single thing to hold onto including the thoughts of the mind and feelings of the heart. Have the courage to climb behind the words and see the changless. I wish you peace in your search for Self.

  • Yoga India | June 19, 2013 at 11:42 PM

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  • Raw Fit Mama | August 15, 2013 at 8:57 AM

    I don't often post on blogs (I should though). I've been dealt some major blows and always thought of deleting my blog...erasing things... starting over. Truth is... everything... the good, the bad and the ugly all converge to make YOU YOU. I hope it is getting better.

    Check out my blog rawfitmama.blogspot.com. This isn't some shameless plug (I don't sell anything there) but maybe it would help you to see someone struggling too.

    Best wishes


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